The Conjugal Double-Blind
by Daedaleopsis
Summary: When Penny wakes up in Vegas with Sheldon passed out in bed next to her, she thinks the only way they can stay friends is if he never finds out what she's done. What she doesn't realize is that he also has a secret of his own. AU from season 4, episode 6. *Shenny*
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Unfinished fics drive me crazy. There was one in particular that kept bugging me; I liked the premise (Penny and Sheldon wake up together after a night on the town in Vegas and find out they've gotten married) but the author left off just when it was getting good. So I started thinking about how the story should end. And then I decided to highjack the idea and just write my own story. Since I don't want to knock the author who abandoned their fic, I won't post a link to the story here, but PM me if you want to read the work that inspired this one._

* * *

Penny looked away as Leonard and Priya swapped spit again. _Wow, I never realized how gross it is to watch people make out_ , she thought. Perhaps that was especially true when one of those people was Leonard, since she knew firsthand that he thought pushing his tongue around like a hyperactive slug was sexy. With a sigh, she downed the rest of her drink.

"How's it going, Raj?" she asked, turning to her other side. The astrophysicist gave her a thumbs-up, listing slightly on his barstool as he leaned to watch a scantily-clad waitress pass. This latest impulse trip to Vegas was supposedly to console him since his latest girlfriend of two weeks had just dumped him. Personally, Penny thought everyone just wanted to cut loose for a weekend. It was almost weird to have all of them here together. The group had been rather fragmented since she broke up with Leonard. She was kind of shocked that Priya hadn't protested more when she heard Penny had decided to tag along. Maybe the excessive PDA was her way of making sure Penny got her message of "Back off, bitch, he's mine".

Meanwhile, a well-lubricated Raj couldn't tear his eyes away from the waitress he was ogling. "I think she likes me. She's just playing hard to get," he said hopefully.

Rolling her eyes, Penny commented drily, "You don't even know her name."

"The language of love needs no words," he replied dreamily and went back to staring at the woman.

Penny craned her neck to look at Sheldon, who was leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed, a slightly sour look on his face. "Having fun, sweetie?" she teased. He was still sulking after being ordered not to count cards in the casino. According to him, it was child's play. However, on the last trip to Vegas, he'd gotten all four of the guys thrown out of the casino by saying exactly that within earshot of a casino security guard.

He glowered at her moodily, and she wondered why on earth he kept coming on these trips if he hated them so much. Apparently, either his loyalty to his friends or the magic phrase "non-optional social convention" had convinced him.

"Of course not," he grumbled. "I don't drink, I'm only allowed to gamble if I throw my money away like a brainless moron, and I have no interest in lusting over mostly-naked women."

Penny looked askance at him over that last remark. She had always wondered about his complete disinterest in sex and dating. Then along had come Amy, who was just as rude and socially clueless as Sheldon, not to mention smart enough to understand him somewhat when he started talking physics. Since he had been meeting her regularly, Penny figured he must like her, even though he insisted they were just friends.

With another disgusted glance over at Leonard and Priya, Penny pushed away from the bar and stood up. "Wanna go for a walk? We could go see the big fountains," she offered.

"Ah, yes, the famed Bellagio waterworks, otherwise known as the most excessive outdoor display of waste in Las Vegas. This is a desert, Penny. Do you know how many gallons of water those fountains lose each day to evaporation?"

Penny turned and started to walk away. "Last chance," she called over her shoulder. She couldn't resist a grin when she hear the pounding of his feet as he jogged to catch up with her.

* * *

It took over an hour for them to reach the fountains, mostly because Penny wanted to keep stopping to peer into high-end shop windows. She also dragged Sheldon through a few of the more exotically decorated casinos. He complained all the way, but there was a relaxed set to his shoulders that made Penny think he wasn't as miserable as he sounded.

The ground was littered with flyers for gentlemen's clubs and escort services. Idly, Penny picked up one that had been left on a bench. The full-color photo pictured a woman with an improbably top-heavy figure wearing nothing but pasties and a G-string. She waved it under Sheldon's nose.

"So this really does nothing for you?" she asked curiously.

He glanced at it and then looked quickly away. "It's a vulgar display of the crudest elements of society, luring men to throw away their money on a meaningless, temporary relief of their most primitive biological urges."

Penny shrugged and stuffed it in her purse, thinking she might tease him about it later if she got really bored. "But what if you fell in love?" she asked with a smirk. "What if you got married? Wouldn't you want to have sex with your wife?"

He spun to face her. "That's a ridiculous question. Of course, if I got married then I would expect coitus to be part of my marital relations. But it's a moot point, because I have no time for dating and no interest in it either. Science is my only mistress."

He kept on walking, leaving Penny standing frozen with shock on the sidewalk. She'd never imagined that he would even consider the possibility of having sex. Much as she didn't want to admit it, she was now intensely curious to dig deeper and find out more about his views on sex and marriage. She had a dizzying moment where she tried to picture him in bed with a woman and realized that as long as she didn't imagine him talking constantly, the idea was rather hot. She grinned as he came back to her side, breaking her reverie with his scolding that she was lagging behind. She wondered what his reaction would be if he found out she had been picturing him naked.

Exasperated, Sheldon hurried her along until they finally arrived at the Bellagio fountains. Penny leaned on the railing and watched for a few minutes, then turned to Sheldon. "Okay, I've seen 'em. Now what?"

"I would prefer to return to my hotel room and watch reruns of original Trek until bedtime," he replied.

Penny rolled her eyes. "You could do that at home. Come on, Sheldon, live a little!" Just then, she spotted a Western-themed casino that was tucked a little out of the way. It boasted a small replica of the famous neon "waving cowboy" sign from Vegas's heyday in the fifties. A sign out in front listed the casino's attractions, one of which was an indoor shooting range. Her eyes gleamed. Out of all of their friends, she and Sheldon bonded over some weird commonalities. One of which was the fact that they were both fairly proficient with firearms.

"Hey, look, they have an indoor shooting range!" she cried, pulling at Sheldon's arm. "Wanna find out which one of us is the better shot?"

She knew that one of the few activities Sheldon had shared with his dad was going out hunting, although she imagined he had deliberately avoided killing anything. Dressing an animal would be far too messy for a neat freak like him. But as their weekly Halo nights proved, they were both good shots. They would often team up, the two of them against Leonard, Raj and Howard, and still kick ass.

Sheldon put up only a token resistance before he allowed her to pull him toward the range. Maybe she was mistaken, but it even seemed to her that a slight smile hovered around the corners of his mouth. She loved seeing him like this. Ever since he had started hanging out with Amy, he always had this uncertainty shadowing his eyes. It may have been well camouflaged by his usual high-handedness, but Penny could always see it, and it broke her heart. Sheldon's confidence had always pushed the limits of arrogance, but she kind of liked him that way. Then there had been that stupid research trip to the Arctic. She knew Sheldon had forgiven his friends for the cruel prank they played, but he hadn't been the same since. He slouched more, his shoulders hunching over as if to protect himself from some blow. And he started giving in to Amy in a way that would have made his previous self aghast. So Penny's mind was made up. Tonight, the two of them were going to forget their troubles and have the best time ever.

* * *

"Hey, no fair!" Penny cried, pouting a little. She pulled on Sheldon's arm, trying to snatch the perforated target paper out of his hands. With his longer arms, he easily kept it out of reach.

"I'm clearly the better marksman," he said haughtily, but with a sparkle in his eye. He held out the paper and admired it. Only one shot had missed the smallest circle of the bull's-eye.

"Well, it wasn't a fair contest," she protested. "I had a couple drinks earlier, while you're still stone-cold sober."

He smirked at her. "We could have a rematch tomorrow night if you insist, but the results would still be the same."

"Nothin' doin'. We're gonna have a rematch now." She grabbed his sleeve and started pulling him toward the exit. Once they left the range, she steered him toward the nearest bar. Since it was Vegas, they didn't have to walk far in order to find one.

Inside, she ordered two beers. "I'll go easy on you," she said, twisting the top off her own bottle. "You only have to finish one beer before we have our rematch."

He shot her a disdainful glance and downed the beer quickly, grimacing at the taste. He set the bottle back onto the bar with a little more force than necessary. "I'll teach you to mess with Texas," he growled.

Something in Penny's mind piped up, _Oh hell yeah_ , and she blushed furiously. "You need a hat," she blurted out, to cover her confusion. It was kind of random, but seeing him with a gun in his hands and then hearing that Texas twang in his voice was giving her ideas. "A cowboy hat. Can't be a real Texan without one."

The fact that Sheldon agreed with her was proof of how quickly the alcohol had gone to his head. They were still in the Western-themed casino, so a country Western boutique was only a few steps away. They spent over an hour trying on hats, boots, chaps and anything else that caught their fancy. Their fun ended when Penny started looking at price tags and realized that neither of them could actually afford any of the over-priced merchandise. She was ready to do something more active anyway, so she dragged Sheldon to a club because she felt like dancing. He nursed another beer as he watched her. By this time, there was a silly grin on his face, and when Penny checked in with him, she easily talked him into doing a few shots with her. Then she had a few more, trying to rid herself of the strange sensation that she could feel the weight of his gaze on her as she danced. By this time, her head was reeling. Laughing, she pulled Sheldon, by the hand into the nearest casino. Even three sheets to the wind, he could still count cards, and within a half hour, their fifty dollars turned into a few thousand.

They returned to the boutique and proceeded to spend their ill-gotten gains. They both bought Stetson hats and beautifully tooled boots. Sheldon let Penny dress him up in jeans and a plaid shirt that bought out the blue in his eyes. She found a cute pink halter top and paired it with an amazingly soft suede skirt that barely covered what it needed to when she bent over. It might have been her imagination, but she thought that Sheldon raked his gaze up and down her exposed skin when he thought she wasn't looking.

Now that they were dressed for the part, they made their way back down to the shooting range, only to be turned away due to their advanced state of inebriation. Outside the range, the ensuing argument over whose fault it was dragged on until Penny had the brilliant idea to shut Sheldon up by kissing him. She had been watching his eyes glint at her from beneath the broad brim of his hat and thinking it was so unfair that he claimed he wasn't interested in women, dating or sex. So she backed him up against a wall and then kissed him for all she was worth. She did shut him up, but not in the way she expected. He peeled her off him and gave her a long, penetrating look. Then he burrowed both hands in her hair and kissed her as thoroughly as he knew how. Of course, he knew next to nothing, but he was a fast learner. Before she knew it, Penny had one leg shamelessly wrapped up around his hip for leverage as their tongues teased and probed. He was supporting her with one large hand splayed against her back. His other hand was exploring her soft skin that was exposed where her short skirt had ridden up. She felt his hard length pressing against her stomach as he bucked his hips against her.

"Let's go back to the hotel," she panted in his ear. "I need you inside of me."

He pulled back, an expression nearing panic on his face. Just as Penny was about to either flounce off or apologize (she couldn't decide which one was more appropriate), he shook his head slowly.

"I promised my mother," he said, enunciating carefully.

Penny could only stare in muzzy-headed confusion. "Promised her what?"

"That I'd wait… for marriage."

She looked away quickly, blinking back the tears that were suddenly clouding her vision. Sure, she knew she wasn't really the kind of girl a guy wanted to bring home to meet his mother. And in her mind, her twenties were supposed to be all about partying and living it up. Marriage was something for the distant future. But despite all that, she knew she wasn't good enough for the likes of Sheldon Cooper, PhD. She didn't want to hear the inevitable insult-laced rejection, so she pulled away from him.

He caught her hand before she could walk off, and she turned back to him reluctantly. With a gentle caress, he brushed the hair back from her face. He kissed her again softly, and then sank to one knee in front of her. "Penny, will you marry me?" he asked.

So great was her joy that she didn't even have to think about her answer. She threw herself into his arms as she started to cry, this time tears of happiness.


	2. Chapter 2

Penny was pulled out of sleep reluctantly by the increasingly urgent twinges from her bladder. She moaned softly in protest and opened one eyelid just a crack. It was still dark, thank God. She stirred slightly, and that was when she became aware that the warm weight across her stomach was not a blanket.

 _Holy crap on a cracker, what did I do?_ she thought. She couldn't even remember meeting anyone last night… just challenging Sheldon to a target shooting match. And then they'd both had a few more drinks so she could drag him out onto the dance floor… She must have met this guy dancing. She couldn't remember anything about him, but it didn't matter - not like she was ever going to see him again. She opened her eyes, slid out from under his arm and rolled silently off the bed and onto her feet. She'd had a lot of practice at this particular maneuver over the past few years. The movement made her head throb, and the room seemed to spin for a moment.

The man mumbled in his sleep, but didn't stir. Penny was about to mentally congratulate herself on a clean getaway when she saw a familiar shape glowing faintly from the bed. She couldn't stop the expletive that fell from her lips, although she managed to keep it to a whisper. It was the Batman silhouette from a glow-in-the-dark watch face… just like the one Sheldon wore. Panicked, she searched frantically around on the floor until she found her purse. Pulling her phone out, she used the screen's backlight to get a better look. Her heart sank. Yes, it was Sheldon, as she had never seen him before. His torso was bare (and perhaps more of him too), and he was lying on his side. The arm which had been draped across her midriff now extended toward her as if he was reaching for her in his sleep.

She wanted to swear a blue streak. She wanted to cry. But either of those things might wake him, and there was no way she could face him, knowing what she'd done. So instead, she swiftly hunted for her clothes, using her phone as a flashlight. She followed a trail of commingled clothes to the door. Ignoring her aching head and full bladder, she pulled on the unfamiliar cream-colored dress, sparing only a passing thought to wonder where she had gotten it. She stuffed her bra in her purse, but unfortunately, she couldn't find her panties. She had a sinking suspicion they were tangled in the sheets somewhere. Before she pulled on her shoes, she listened for a moment, but all was quiet. Sheldon must still be unconscious from the double whammy of too many beers and - holy crap on a cracker - losing his virginity to her. The thought made her wince. She had to get out of there fast. If he knew what she had done… she couldn't even contemplate his reaction, but she knew it would be bad.

She slipped a hand inside her purse, hoping she hadn't lost her room card or ID. Instead, she encountered some kind of pamphlet. Fishing it out, she held it up to the thin bar of light coming from the window's parted curtains. It was a lurid brochure for an escort service. She vaguely remembered picking it up and teasing Sheldon about it, asking him why he didn't want to get laid.

An idea occurred to her as she stood there, pamphlet in hand. It was a terrible, mean, cowardly idea, but if it worked… She could scarcely breathe, and her hands shook. Maybe Sheldon wouldn't hate her. Maybe he wouldn't banish her from his life forever. Maybe they could still be friends. She'd been so lonely recently, lonely enough to wonder if dumping Leonard had been a mistake. Through it all, only Sheldon had gone out of his way to spend time with her. He had even broken his normal routines to eat dinner at her place sometimes. In return, she had made sure her apartment was as clean as she could manage and kept her kitchen stocked with Yoohoo and herbal teas. He'd come to mean more to her in the past few months than she ever could have imagined, and she couldn't stand the thought of losing him. That fear was the reason she crept back and laid the brochure on the nightstand.

She made her way back to her hotel room, feeling dizzy and nauseous and hating how pathetic she was. After a long, hot shower, she crawled into her own bed and stared sightlessly at the walls. Finally, hating herself even more, she downed the contents of several little bottles from the mini fridge and sank into a restless slumber.

* * *

Sheldon slept much later than usual that morning, although he found it hard to care when his head throbbed so badly. He couldn't even muster the energy to wonder why he had slept in the nude. After drinking a full bottle of water, he closed the blinds tightly and lay back on the bed, willing his headache to go away. Within an hour or so, he felt sufficiently improved to get up and get dressed. He was fervently hoping that his friends had had enough partying and were ready to go home. As he sat up, he first noticed the odd trail of clothing leading to - no, _from_ \- the door. Then his gaze fell upon the nightstand. On one side of the alarm clock lay a brochure he recognized, the one with the disgusting photo of the topless woman. On the other side of the clock was a delicate, diamond-studded band sporting a large princess-cut solitaire, shining in the early morning light. An engagement ring? Or could it be a wedding band? He froze as his mind leaped to a very unpleasant conclusion. The last time he had gotten drunk, he had mooned the audience at an awards banquet during his acceptance speech. This time in his inebriation, could he have actually done something worse? He lifted his hands to his face, and something glinted dully at him in the dim light. Incredulously, he stared at the simple band decorating his left hand before he swayed and collapsed onto the bed. A few minutes later when he regained consciousness and dragged his eyes open again, the wedding ring was still there. His stomach twisted, and he ran for the bathroom. Having emptied his stomach, a pounding headache started making its presence known. He groaned.

"I am never going to let Penny talk me into drinking again," he whispered. He collapsed back onto the bed, only to leap up again quickly. Who knew what germs or effluvia were contaminating the bedding? He yanked back the bedding, exposing a tiny scrap of hot pink fabric. He stared at the thong as if it might bite him. Despite his headache, he quickly stripped the bed of its linens, rolling the offending garment up inside the sheets. Then he stumbled unsteadily toward the shower. Twenty minutes of scrubbing under steaming hot water helped him to feel slightly less ill, but panic started to set in again when he went to get dressed and found that the clothes on the floor were the remnants of a crumpled tuxedo. The pieces - coat, bowtie, vest, cummerbund, shirt, and pants - made a trail from the door to the bed, where his undershirt and briefs peeked out from underneath the bed skirt. A more thorough examination of the room also revealed three used condoms in a trashcan pulled near the bed. The evidence, though circumstantial, was overwhelming. Last night, he had gotten so drunk he had married a complete stranger, and one who most likely charged by the hour at that. He had lost his virginity to a hooker. His mother's Southern Baptist standards rushed to the forefront of his mind. He dropped his head in his hands and groaned. "If there is a hell, I'm going to it now for sure," he muttered.

He stayed holed up in his room the rest of the morning, uncertain what to do. The woman was gone, but for some unfathomable reason, she had left behind a very valuable-looking ring. Once Sheldon regained some of his equilibrium, he decided that he needed to go home, sit in his favorite spot, and be surrounded by his beloved action figures and whiteboards. Only then would he have the presence of mind to think about this situation rationally.

He dreaded the idea of talking to his friends and was certain they would pepper him with awkward questions. But when he finally contacted them, he found out he wasn't the only one who was nursing a hangover. Raj and Penny were in a similar state. Howard and Bernadette had apparently had some minor squabble and currently weren't speaking to each other. Raj was mourning the loss of his "lady of mystery", aka the waitress who had ignored him all evening. Ironically, only Leonard and Priya seemed to have enjoyed their weekend, probably by staying in their hotel room the whole time, coitusing like bunnies.

Sheldon asked to ride in Leonard's car, but then had to suffer the humiliation of being relegated to the back seat while Priya rode up front. Apparently in Leonard's mind, a girlfriend of a few months trumped a roommate of several years, even if said roommate was hung over. Sheldon was too exhausted and dejected to even protest much. By the time they reached Pasadena, he had come to one conclusion: what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas. It was a tired cliché, but it also seemed to apply to his circumstances. What he had done was both extremely personal and intensely embarrassing. While he experienced an almost compulsive need to blurt out secrets that other people told him, when it came to his own life, he had always been very private. Unless there was a compelling reason to involve his friends (and no such reason came to mind at the moment), no one needed to know about his folly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, I haven't seen Penny around in a while, have you?" Leonard asked as he strolled into the Cheesecake Factory with his friends. Howard shrugged and Raj shook his head.

"She wasn't there for Halo or laundry night last week," Sheldon said, looking peeved.

"Gee, laundry night, how on earth could she miss all that excitement?" Howard muttered sarcastically.

"Maybe she's just been working a lot," Leonard said.

"Maybe she's trying to stay away since you told her that was what Priya wanted, " Raj commented with a hint of bitterness. He still wasn't happy knowing that his friend was sleeping with his sister.

"That still doesn't explain why she missed laundry night," Sheldon complained, but as usual, everyone ignored him. The hostess led them to their usual table. In a few minutes, Bernadette appeared.

"Hi, guys. What do you want to order?"

"Bernie, hi. What are you doing here?" Howard asked with a pleased smile. Apparently, they had made up over whatever they had quarreled about in Vegas.

She shrugged. "Penny asked if she could switch with me for Wednesday night, so I told her it was no big deal."

"But it is a big deal!" This was from Sheldon. He scowled at Bernadette. "Doesn't she realize we have a routine? On Tuesday nights, we come to the Cheesecake Factory, where Penny serves me my bacon barbecue cheeseburger with the bacon, barbecue and cheese on the side."

Bernie shrugged. "None of my business." She dumped the menus on the table. "I'll give the rest of you a few minutes to decide what you want." She gave Howard a wink and a coy smile before moving on to her next table.

Sheldon fumed all through dinner, even though Bernadette had gotten his order precisely right. Penny was definitely avoiding him, and he had invested far too much effort into their friendship for her to treat him this way. After dinner, Leonard dropped Sheldon off in front of their apartment building and then left to go see Priya. Sheldon marched straight up the four flights of steps to Penny's door and started knocking. Three raps, and then he called her name. After repeating this pattern two more times, he waited impatiently. He could hear the television faintly in the background, so he started knocking again. Penny finally opened the door, partway through his knock. He scowled at her and carefully finished the pattern by tapping on her door frame.

"What do you want, Sheldon?" she asked. He noticed that she was dressed in sweats and sagged against the door frame. He wondered if she had been drinking.

"It's Tuesday night. You were supposed to be at the Cheesecake Factory to serve me my bacon barbecue cheeseburger."

She looked away. "Yeah, well, sometimes things don't work out like you expect."

"What are you talking about? You were scheduled to work tonight, and you deliberately switched with Bernadette. You also missed Halo night and laundry night."

"I was busy," she replied defensively, looking down at her feet.

He peered over her shoulder. "It looks like all you're doing right now is binge-watching _Sex and the City_ and consuming an entire bottle of red wine by yourself."

She winced. "So what? What do you care?"

"Obviously, you are throwing my entire routine in disarray."

"Well then, I guess you're gonna have to make a new one." She attempted to close the door, but he stuck his foot in the opening.

"Aren't we friends anymore?" he asked in quite a different tone of voice. He sounded like a lost little boy.

"I'm still _your_ friend," she answered after a pause.

"Are you insinuating that I am no longer a friend to you? I don't think I am familiar with that particular social dynamic," he added with a frown. "But nothing has changed in our interpersonal-" He halted, and an unusual look of uncertainty crossed his face. "Does this have anything to do with our recent trip to Las Vegas?"

She flinched visibly.

"It does, doesn't it?" he pressed. Grimacing, he asked, "Did I expose my bare backside to you?"

She almost smiled at that, but then paled and shook her head. "I honestly don't remember," she confessed. "Most of that night is a bit of a blur to me too."

"Then why are you not adhering to my schedule?" he demanded.

Penny heard the real question beneath his rudeness: _Why are you avoiding me?_ She sighed. One thing was for sure: she apparently had a hard time saying no to Sheldon Cooper, no matter what the circumstances. "It's complicated," she heard herself saying.

"You aren't busy now," he said, almost in a pleading tone. "We could watch Star Trek."

She felt her resistance dissolving under the juxtaposition of his solemn eyes and lost expression.

"Not Star Trek, something else," she heard herself say. Sheldon stood there, looking at her pointedly, until she slid shoes on her feet. She switched off her own TV to follow him across the hall so he could sit in his 0,0,0,0 spot. She made him watch _Sex in the City_ , just because she could. He complained bitterly about it while he was making popcorn for the two of them. Penny tried not to laugh at how hard he seemed to be struggling with his conflicting desires. Then she sobered, remembering waking up next to him. The memory gave her a sharp twinge of remorse. When her show was over, she let him flip over to a documentary about animals. She watched surreptitiously as he sat precisely in his favorite spot, his own bowl of popcorn clenched in his lap so he wouldn't have to risk sharing with her and having her fingers touch his food. It seemed impossible to think that anything sexual had ever happened between them. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe nothing had happened. Just as she was thinking this, he glanced over at her, and their gazes met. His face may not have revealed much emotion, but his eyes glowed happily at her. Her face lit up in an answering smile before she could stop it, and she just barely stopped herself from reaching for his hand. She snapped her gaze back to the television, mentally cursing herself as a complete idiot.

* * *

Sheldon stood in front of his whiteboard, lost in thought. This was not an uncommon occurrence, but the cause of his distraction was. He had been wondering once again how he could have gotten married. What kind of woman could have persuaded him to tie the knot? Had she been a master manipulator, or had he connected with her on some personal level? Did he really take her back to his hotel room, allow her access to his bed, and have coitus with a woman of ill repute three times? His hand shook. He had always considered himself to be the epitome of rationality, but eloping in Vegas with an escort was not rational at all.

The worst part was that his mind just wouldn't leave it alone. Much as he wished he could simply pretend nothing had happened, something _had_ , and he didn't even know what, exactly. He had to find out, and his investigation ought to start with Penny.

He gripped his marker tightly. The thought of telling her what he had done made him feel nauseated. He could tolerate her mockery, but what he dreaded was her pity. The last thing he wanted was for her to see him as ridiculous or helpless. He didn't want anything to shatter the close bond between them. It had gotten to the point where he even resented the time he spent skyping with Amy, even though he scheduled their weekly chats on a night when Penny usually worked.

Amy was the third woman in the increasingly complicated tangle of his life. He liked talking with her, but all too often, she had this rapacious gleam in her eyes as she looked at him. It unnerved him, and he couldn't imagine confiding his dilemma to her either. Any advice she would give would be based on simian behavior, of little relevance and often directly contrary to his purposes. So the only thing to do, he concluded, was to wait. He could put off looking into this purported marriage until tax season, but by then, he would have to know for sure or risk a potential audit if his information wasn't correct.

* * *

Penny knocked back the rest of her drink, wishing it could make girls night out more fun. All Bernie could do was talk about her little "Howie-wowie". Blech. Amy was ticked off at Sheldon. Having "invested" almost a year of her life with him (as she put it), she was increasingly frustrated by his refusal to call her anything other than a friend. Bernie advised her to try to make him jealous by going out on a date with someone else.

"But who would want to go out with me?" Amy wailed despairingly. She was starting to get on Penny's nerves.

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"

Penny looked up at the guy who was leaning over the table. He was kind of cute, but ever since that night, that horrible mistake, the idea of a one-night stand turned her stomach.

"Sorry, we're having girls night," she replied, waving her hand at her friends. He shrugged and walked away.

"See, it's so easy for you. You're gorgeous. Guys fall all over themselves trying to ask you out," Amy whined.

Penny reluctantly turned her attention back to the ongoing drama. "How about Stuart?" she found herself saying. "He asked me the other day if you were single."

Amy grimaced. "Stuart? He owns a comic book store. Plus, he's whiter than some of my albino monkeys. He must have a serious vitamin D deficiency. What makes you think I'd want to go out with him?"

Penny resisted the urge to throw the rest of her drink in Amy's face as Bernie said something supportive. Penny tuned it out. This was Amy at her worst: she seemed to enjoy bemoaning her situation, milking every circumstance for pity, rather than actually doing anything to change her life. Honestly, she could've had a boyfriend years ago if she'd just stop looking down on everyone and dressing in her grandma's hand-me-downs. Come to think of it, some guys, like Stuart and Sheldon, didn't even seem to care what she wore. It all came down to her attitude.

"Hey, Stuart's a nice guy," Penny all but snapped at Amy. "He's sweet, he's eager to please, and he owns his own business, which is something none of us can say. He'd ask you out in a heartbeat if he thought you were interested. You say I get all the guys, but the truth is, you only want the ones you _can't_ get." She closed her mouth with a snap before the rest of it came out: how she was tired of Amy's self-pitying and manipulating. The only reason she tried to befriend her at all was for Sheldon's sake.

"If all you want is to make him jealous, Stuart is the perfect choice…" Bernadette began.

Once again, Penny stopped listening. She didn't want to be a part of this anymore. She wanted to go to Sheldon's place and… and run away with him… or something. Anything to keep both of them from sinking further down into the pathetic mess their lives had become.


	4. Chapter 4

Sheldon came knocking on her door the next evening. As she answered with a cheery smile and "What's up, buttercup?", she wondered how she could be so happy to see him when she felt that stab of remorse at the same time. As time passed, she could almost forget that shameful moment when she woke up next to him. Thankfully, Sheldon showed no signs of remembering anything about that night. But her guilt didn't stop her from going over to his place the next time he came knocking on her door. These days, they spent almost all of her nights off together, and it was often just the two of them. Leonard was almost never home. Penny wondered when Sheldon was going to realize that his roommate had one foot out the door.

"Come on in," she invited. She hadn't yet been able to convince him that he didn't need to ask permission to enter. Then again, she was pretty sure he just liked knocking three times while saying her name over and over. He always had this adorable, self-satisfied smirk on his face when he finished. She almost groaned aloud as her mind instantly combined the idea of repetition, him calling out her name, and a satisfied Sheldon into something far dirtier.

 _Get your mind out of the gutter,_ Penny mentally scolded herself. Although she couldn't remember a thing about the night they spent together in Vegas, she had become consumed with curiosity to know what kind of lover Sheldon might be. The only thing she knew for sure was that they had actually done the deed, since the next day, she had a slight ache in her lower back. That meant one of two things: either Sheldon had been very enthusiastic, or in a locker room situation, he would put most other men to shame. Thinking about either of those two possibilities made it hard for her to look him in the eye.

"I have season two of Battlestar Galactica," he said, holding up the boxed set. His eyes sparkled at her, and she knew he was eagerly looking forward to watching it with her. And she found she was willing to do all sorts of things she wouldn't normally do to see that happy light in his eyes.

"The pizza should be here any minute… sausage, onions, and light olives," she said before he could ask if she had gotten the order right. Of course, she'd gotten it right; she was a waitress. The only time she messed up people's orders was when it was deliberate: when they were driving her crazy, and she knew she wasn't going to get a good tip anyway.

"I suppose Amy has already informed you that she's going on a date with Stuart," he said as he sat down on the left side of the love seat. He had finally decided that was his spot in her apartment, although it was understood that it could never compare to his "center of the universe" on the brown leather couch in his living room.

She sat down next to him, her brow creased with concern. "No. I mean, we talked about it a little, but she didn't say she was actually going to do it. Are you okay, sweetie?"

He sighed. "I don't like the idea. If she starts dating Stuart, then she will no longer be available for our regularly scheduled meetings. I'm well aware of my friends' tendency to prioritize coitus over spending time with me," he added glumly.

Penny wanted to laugh at that statement. On the surface, it was ridiculous. Of course, any normal person would choose getting laid over hanging out with him. On the other hand, his friends shouldn't totally ditch him the way they did either. Leonard now spent the night at Priya's so often that he had somehow bribed or coerced Raj into giving Sheldon a ride most mornings. He barely even saw Sheldon anymore outside of work.

"You are a curious exception," he said, and her attention jerked back to the present.

"Huh?"

"Of all my friends, you are the most successful at pursuing coitus with various partners, yet you spend most of your evenings off with me. I do appreciate the effort, although I must confess, your motives make little sense to me."

"Honey, it's not an effort. I like spending time with you. But this thing with Amy... she just wants to be your girlfriend, you know."

"I have been acutely aware of what Amy wants for months," he grumbled. "However, it's not possible."

"It's not?" Penny asked. How could such a simple statement fill her with so much hope and dread at the same time?

Just as he opened his mouth to respond, there was a knock at the door.

"Pizza delivery!" yelled a voice from the hallway.

She glowered at the door as Sheldon got up to pay the woman who had brought their food. She desperately wanted to know what he had been about to say, but he immediately cued up his sci-fi series. She didn't have to know much about Sheldon to know he wouldn't appreciate her interrupting his show.

She kept glancing over at him throughout the episode. Why did he say he couldn't ask Amy to be his girlfriend? Did he have feelings for someone else? And wasn't she the only other woman in his life? Maybe he'd just decided that he was never going to be involved with anyone, ever. She needed to find out, and the now-familiar stab of guilt that she felt every time she saw him wasn't going to stop her.

* * *

Sheldon had been oblivious - perhaps deliberately so - about Leonard's absences from the apartment. When a roommate spent most nights of the week at his girlfriend's place, most people would expect that he would soon move in with her. Sheldon was _not_ most people. He didn't come to that conclusion on his own, but had the knowledge thrust upon him suddenly and unpleasantly. Penny got a text from him late one night at the end of her shift. All it said was, "Come over whenever you get home." She raised an eyebrow at that and ducked into the ladies' room to give herself time to think. Sheldon had a strict bedtime, and it was already past that hour. If he was breaking his habit, something must be up.

Her phone rang while it was still in her hand. She startled and almost dropped it. When she answered, the caller ID showed it was Leonard calling. Immediately suspicious, as he had barely spoken to her in weeks, she answered and soon found out why Sheldon had sent her the cryptic text. Leonard was moving in with Priya, and he had just broken the news to his roommate - and supposed best friend - earlier that evening. Priya and Leonard had gotten much closer in the past few months, so when she was offered a promotion that required her to move back to India, she had turned it down in order to remain in the States with her boyfriend. Leonard hinted that they might even get engaged soon. Penny wasn't clear on the details, but it didn't matter. She knew Sheldon would be devastated, and that was all she cared about.

She left work as soon as she could and sped home. She found Sheldon curled up in a ball in the center of his bed, much like he'd done when he found out Leonard had sabotaged his Arctic experiment. Guilt stabbed at her again. Both she and Leonard were his closest friends, but the way they treated him, she wasn't sure either of them deserved that title.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and touched his shoulder tentatively. "Leonard told me he's moving out. How are you holding up?"

"My entire life is descending into chaos," he muttered, turning his head to glare balefully at her.

"Oh, come on, sweetie, it's not that bad. I'll still be right across the hall. We'll still have Halo nights and stuff, and I'll come have dinner with you when I'm not working."

"That's hardly the same as having a roommate who's been your friend for almost a decade. Besides, I have other… issues that you don't know about."

She rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see the gesture. "Sweetie, everyone knows you're a little different. I'm still your friend, and so is Leonard."

He sat up in bed and turned to face her. "No, I made a mistake," he said haltingly. "I have been… obsessed with solving the mystery of how I could possibly have done… what I did."

"What do you mean, sweetie?" Penny asked, although she could feel her heart start to pound in her chest.

He looked around furtively, although there was clearly no one else in the apartment. "Do you remember the weekend we all spent in Las Vegas?"

Penny began to feel faint and dizzy. "Uh... yeah," she managed to choke out.

"Do you recall seeing me in the company of any female other than yourself?"

"No, I don't think so," she answered, as a blush stole up her throat and heated her cheeks. "Why?"

"Wait here," he ordered. He strode to the door of his room, poked his head out into the hallway and looked around. Then he closed the door and locked it. He opened the top drawer of his dresser and carefully removed a wooden box from the very back corner. It was apparently a puzzle box, as he spent several seconds pressing, turning and flipping various parts of the box. Penny watched him curiously, wondering what on earth he could be so secretive about. Finally, the box sprang open, and he withdrew something small which he concealed in his hand. He sat down hesitantly next to Penny and then opened his hands to reveal a jewelry box. "Please do not misinterpret this gesture," he said solemnly, opening the box.

She gasped as she saw a sparkling diamond band nestled against the black velvet.


	5. Chapter 5

The object in Sheldon's hand looked like a diamond wedding ring. It was beautiful: a large, pink diamond solitaire surrounded by graceful arches of baguettes. Penny's mind stuttered to a halt as she stared at it. Why did he have it? Was he planning to propose to someone? "What... what is it? Where did you get it?" she stammered.

He stuffed the ring box into his pocket, and then jumped up and paced around the room. "Do you promise not to tell anyone else about this?"

"Hey, I can keep a secret a lot better than you can," she retorted.

"In Vegas, the morning after we went out, I woke up in my own room with a terrible hangover. The bed was rumpled, and... I wasn't wearing anything. My clothes were strew all over the floor, and that ring was lying on the nightstand, along with a pamphlet for an escort service. There's one other thing." He hesitated, and then got out the ring box again. Lifting out the liner, he reached in and held up an unadorned platinum band.

Penny stared at it. "Is that what I think it is?" she asked, with an odd inflection in her voice.

"Given that I woke up wearing this on the fourth finger of my left hand, I surmise that it's a wedding band. I think I got married to a… a prostitute."

"Holy crap on a cracker."

"An apt sentiment."

"Well, at least it was just one of those fake Vegas weddings. It's not like you're married for real."

He frowned. "Where did you get that addle-brained idea? A marriage performed in Las Vegas is as legally binding as a marriage performed anywhere else."

"Wait, so you're actually married, for real?" she asked, pressing her hands against her roiling stomach.

"The evidence suggests so, although I have no definitive proof."

She shook her head slowly and said nothing for a long time. Other people might have been uncomfortable, but Sheldon simply waited, assuming she needed more time to assimilate this information than he would. And to be honest, he was still processing the idea too, even if he had grasped the implications on an intellectual level almost immediately.

"What are you going to do?" she said at last, in a whisper.

He concealed the simple band back in the box again. "I'm not certain. I had imagined that any woman who sells her body would be quick to take fiscal advantage of a man foolish enough to bind himself to her in matrimony. The fact that no one has contacted me has given me pause. I suppose it's possible that this unknown woman was similarly inebriated and doesn't remember getting married."

Penny drew in a sharp breath. "They shouldn't let people get married if they're that drunk," she muttered. Then she sat up straighter. "What did you tell the guys?"

He looked at her in surprise. "This is not something I am proud of. I haven't told them anything. Why else do you think I asked you to keep it a secret?"

She frowned. "I guess I'm not sure. I know you hate secrets because you can't keep from blabbing them to the first person you see."

"It's true that I hate it when people want me to keep _their_ secrets," he replied. "But there are many subjects from my past which I simply feel aren't worth sharing. Since this is something I fervently wish never happened, I'm most certainly not going to discuss it with my friends."

"Huh," Penny said thoughtfully. "That's good to know, I guess. So what if this woman never contacts you?"

He sighed. "I suppose I will have to track her down. Every year, I file my taxes by March 15th. I will need to get the marriage annulled by then to avoid having to file a joint tax return."

"Taxes?" she practically screeched. "That's not a good reason. No, no, no, you should just pretend this never happened."

"That is highly improbable," he scolded. "If I am truly married, the state of Nevada will have official documentation to verify it," he answered. "Perhaps the best approach is to locate this woman immediately so the matter can be resolved. After all, if she wants alimony, this may end up in litigation."

Penny stared at him. "What if she's actually a nice person?" she whispered.

Sheldon scoffed. "Unlikely, but if she is, then hopefully she will release me from this ill-advised union with as little fuss and as much haste as possible. Regardless, I need to get this matter settled. Now that you know too, I believe it would be wiser to get an annulment or divorce sooner rather than later. Will you drive me back to Las Vegas?"

"Me?" Penny gulped.

"Of course, you're the logical choice. You are the only one who knows about my predicament, you have a valid driver's license… and you are my closest friend."

"What about Leonard?"

He shook his head. "I'm certain he will be too busy packing to assist me," he said bitterly.

"Yeah, I wish he would have talked to us about moving out first," Penny said. "I mean, I figured it would happen eventually, but just because he's got a girlfriend doesn't mean it's okay for him to write off his friends." She felt a little sad at the idea of Leonard leaving. They'd been friends and neighbors for a long time.

"Priya would've put a stop to it. She thinks Leonard still has feelings for you, and for all I know, she could be correct. Either way, she views you as a rival and thus has asked Leonard to stop associating with you. You certainly enabled him to abide by her wishes by assiduously avoiding the both of us in the weeks following our last trip to Vegas."

She wrinkled up her nose in confusion. "Wait. Are you saying that if I'd been hanging around more, maybe Leonard and Priya wouldn't be moving in together?"

"It's entirely possible. She received a promotion which required her to move back to New Delhi. Because of her relationship with Leonard, she decided to stay. Instead, she leveraged that offer to get a better one with a local law firm. If she hadn't been convinced that he was completely committed to her, she may have decided to returned home,ending her relationship with Leonard." He peered at her, trying to decipher her expression. "Do you regret breaking up with him?" he asked curiously.

She shook her head. "No, I just wish I had ended things between us sooner, before I broke his heart."

Sheldon snorted derisively. "I doubt you broke his heart. He thought he was in love with you from the moment he laid eyes on you, before he knew a thing about you except that you were exceptionally pretty."

"Do you really think so?" she asked with a strange catch in her voice.

"Of course. He called dibs on you like you were the last donut in a box of Krispy Kremes **,** " he said.

She chuckled a little at that, but then said, "No, what I meant was, do _you_ think I'm pretty?"

"It's a fact," he said seriously. "Your features are highly symmetrical and aesthetically pleasing."

She mused over that for a moment. He thought she was pretty. They spent most of their evenings together. He refused to be anything more than friends with Amy. And unless she was mistaken, they had actually gotten married that night in Vegas. Her stomach twisted again. If only she hadn't deceived him, they might have had a chance for their friendship to develop into something more.

* * *

Sheldon hadn't forgotten his plans to get to the bottom of his mysterious marriage. He brought it up again the next evening over dinner. Penny tried to dissuade him, but he told her that it was disrupting his peace of mind. He was determined to resolve the matter as soon as possible. Her next tactic was to tell him she was busy working, but he merely suggested they go over the next couple of days she had off. After a few times of claiming her schedule was packed, he finally got frustrated. He said that if his closest friend couldn't find time to help him, he would just have to go by himself on public transportation. She was instantly contrite, knowing how much he hated taking taxis or buses. Plus, she could see the dark circles under his eyes and the forlorn way he eyed the packing boxes Leonard had left in the apartment. His whole life was falling apart, and the only person he turned to for help was her. Although Penny knew she didn't deserve his trust, she felt she had no choice but to tell him she would drive him to Vegas.

In the days leading up to their trip, Penny was a nervous wreck. She couldn't sleep at night, and everything she ate tasted like cardboard. Whenever she talked to any of her friends, she was able to put on a good face, drawing on her acting abilities to appear calm and in control. The truth was that her thoughts chased themselves around in her mind endlessly. She needed to tell Sheldon the truth. She couldn't tell him the truth. He would never forgive her. Maybe there was still some way he would never find out. Was he right that they had actually gotten married? He could be wrong, couldn't he? Except as far as she could remember, he'd never been wrong before. He was going to hate her. She was going to lose him. Somehow, the thought of betraying Sheldon's trust was the one thought that replayed the most often in her head: _I can't lose him_. She felt she could willingly say goodbye to every other one of her friends. It would be sad, but she could do it. They had all been pulling away ever since she dumped Leonard anyway, as if somehow she came off as the bad guy for trying to quit stringing him along. But Sheldon had sought her out when no one else did. He had been loyal, supportive, and - if you knew how to read him - surprisingly kind. She couldn't give him up, not without a fight.

* * *

Penny gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white. They were pulling into the parking lot behind the Clark County courthouse. She glanced over at Sheldon and saw that his face was grim and his jaw tight. He thought he was going to confront the worst mistake of his life, and he might still be proven right. All her pleading and arguments hadn't swayed him from his course. He was determined to free himself from a marriage he didn't even remember. Her stomach squeezed tighter until she thought she might pass out. She had to do something. She couldn't let him find out the truth by seeing her name typed out on an official marriage license.

Finally, just as they were about to enter the courthouse, Penny grabbed Sheldon's sleeve and pulled him aside. "There's something I need to tell you," she said nervously.

He glanced pointedly at her hand, and she released his jacket, smoothing out the wrinkles.

She fixed her eyes on the brick wall beyond his shoulder. "Leonard was crazy about me, but I just couldn't feel the same way about him," she began. "That's why I broke up with him. But there's one person whose good opinion I value more than anyone else's. I knew I loved him deeply, but I always thought of him as just a friend… until he kissed me. And I knew that a part of me had been waiting for him without knowing it." Her voice broke, and she blinked back tears. "When I found out that he didn't just want to fool around… when he got down on one knee and proposed… I believed he really meant it, so I said yes."

"Who?" he demanded. "Who did you get married to?" His trepidation was so great that he completely forgot about using proper grammar.

"You," she whispered. "I'm the one you married."

Sheldon reeled back a few steps. "You knew," he cried accusingly.

She understood exactly what he meant. Stepping forward, she grabbed his arm as if to prevent him from running away. "When I woke up later that night with you next to me in bed, I didn't remember then that we'd gotten married. I thought we'd just slept together, but even if I'd known, I'm not sure it would've made a difference. I was panicking because I thought you'd hate me. That's when I found that flyer and decided to leave it on the nightstand. I wasn't thinking too clearly, except that I thought it was better for you to hate some random person than me. Please, please forgive me. I just didn't want to lose you." Her voice lowered as she spoke those last words, and her eyes brimmed with moisture.

He stared at her as if he had never seen her before. Then he jerked his arm free, turned and ran off. After a moment's shock, Penny hurried after him, calling for him to wait. His longer legs carried him away from her until he disappeared around a corner. By the time she got there, she discovered she had wandered onto a crowded main thoroughfare. There was no sign of Sheldon. She spent over an hour searching for him in that vicinity, and then she looked every other place he might have gone. Not many places came to mind. She looked around the Bellagio fountains and went back to the western-themed casino which housed the shooting gallery. As her hope gave way to despair, she sank down onto a bench. Unable to hold back her tears any longer, she buried her face in her hands and wept.


	6. Chapter 6

After Penny had cried herself out, a strange, achy calm came over her. There were no more secrets now. Maybe Sheldon did what he'd needed to do in order to process his feelings. It wasn't the first time he'd run away when sudden change had proved too overwhelming.

Finally, as the sun was setting, her phone chimed. She grabbed her phone eagerly and found she had a text from Sheldon: a simple message instructing her to meet him at an address in Las Vegas. The place wasn't far from where she was, so she walked the few blocks and found herself away from the crowds and noise of the strip, in front of a tiny wedding chapel. Steeling her courage, she pushed open the doors and went inside.

"Hello?" she called out.

A tiny, white-haired, hunched-over woman appeared. "Why, there you are!" she exclaimed delightedly. She actually clapped her hands with excitement as she walked over to Penny. Taking her by the elbow, the elderly woman introduced herself as Violet and said that she and her husband, an ordained minister, had been performing weddings in this very chapel for over forty years. Penny smiled and nodded politely, but her stomach was trying to tie itself in knots. Where was Sheldon, and why had he brought her here?

Violet ushered her back to a tiny office, where to Penny's great relief she saw Sheldon, sitting on a metal folding chair in front of a desk overflowing with papers.

"I was worried about you," she said softly.

He didn't turn around. "Come look at this," he said. He had something on the table in front of him which seemed to be absorbing all his attention. Penny came to his side cautiously. When she saw what he was holding, she gasped. It was a photo album, open to a page that showed a picture of the two of them. Sheldon was in a tux, she was wearing that cream-colored dress, and they were gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. She hardly recognized the expression on Sheldon's face in the photo; she had no idea he could look so tender or so happy.

"Oh, look how adorable the two of you were," Violet cooed. "So in love. I knew you'd be back for your pictures. We get a lot of people coming through here, and many of them don't take marriage very seriously. But you… well, you couldn't take your eyes off each other. He held your hand the whole time you were choosing your wedding package."

Penny glanced up at her questioningly.

"It's all right, dearie. I could tell that the two of you had overindulged, but I don't judge. And the joy that was shining out of your eyes wasn't the kind that came from strong drink, let me tell you. No, when Robert and I - that's my husband, you know, Robert - when we watched the two of you leave, I said to him, now there's a couple that will someday be telling this story to their grandchildren. They're not one of those flash-in-the-pan couples. What they have is true love," She paused, smiling beatifically at them. When she got no response, she said, "I'll give you two lovebirds a few moments to look over your pictures. I'll be back later to see if you need anything else."

Penny watched her leave, and then sank down into the chair next to Sheldon's. She couldn't take her eyes off the photos as he flipped through the album. There was a picture of him standing behind her as she posed in her wedding dress in front of a full-length mirror. He had one arm wrapped around her middle and was bending down as if he was about to kiss her cheek. He turned the page. There they were, holding hands, Penny beaming and gazing up adoringly at him. The next photo was of their first kiss as a married couple. Sheldon examined the picture closely. He actually touched the page as if he could somehow tactilely connect to that moment. He studied the way his hands had cradled Penny, pulling her closer, while her arms were around his neck. The last picture was of them standing side by side, smiling: Dr. and Mrs. Cooper.

"What do you see when you look at those pictures?" Penny asked softly.

He seemed to know what she was asking, and for once, didn't give her a literal answer or lecture her for the imprecision of her words **.**

"I look… happy," he said in a low voice. Stroking the photo, he asked, "Did I really want this? Is there some part of me that has a suppressed, albeit illogical, desire for love? I know if anyone were to suggest such a thing to me, I would laugh in their face, but the evidence is right here in front of me."

"Sweetie, there aren't many people that you care about, but the ones that you do, you feel very strongly about, even if you have a hard time admitting it," she told him.

"You do not seem to have the same perspective," he said slowly. "Yet you told me that my friendship was of paramount importance to you."

"That's right."

"Do you remember… did you want to marry me?"

She blushed, wondering if somehow in her subconscious, she had known this bond existed between them. Over the past few months, she had gradually come to see him as somewhat more than just a friend. "I remember kissing you," she said slowly. "And then it turned into something more. I remember the feel of your hands on me. You wanted me, too."

He frowned slightly and searched her face. His gaze dropped to her mouth and lingered there. "I kissed you back?"

She nodded. He reached out hesitantly and touched her lips with two fingers. After a moment, Penny took his hand in hers and then slowly leaned toward him. He held still, neither welcoming nor rejecting her as she pressed her lips to his.

When she pulled back, he looked bewildered. "I don't remember any of it," he said in a low voice. "And yet if we did get married, I can't think of anything more logical."

Her jaw dropped. "What do you mean? We're total opposites. You don't even _like_ me sometimes!" This was the crux of the matter: whatever her feelings for him, she was convinced that he really only cared about himself. She couldn't imagine anyone less likely than Sheldon to be in a successful relationship. After all, he hadn't even been able to make things work with Amy, who was so much like him.

"It's true that we have little in common," he replied. "But you had no more in common with Leonard. Unlike him, I have the ability to stand up to you, which you have said you find more attractive than a clingy, insecure mate such as he. As for not liking you, I continually allow you greater access to my life than anyone else. You know more about me than even Leonard does, and you're the only person who breaks my rules with impunity. You are the only person I trusted with my secret when I thought I had ruined my life by marrying a prostitute. You are the only one I can rely on to help me understand people and… and feelings. I used to think I was well aware of my own emotional state, but I don't know how to tell people that I… I care about them."

He looked down. Penny followed his gaze and realized that they were still holding hands, just like Violet had said they did the night they got married. With a sinking feeling, she pulled her hand away and got to her feet, pacing in the cramped office space. "You know we can't stay married, right?" she asked, hating herself for having to be the one to say it. "Even if we do have feelings for each other. We've never even been on a date. It's crazy."

Sheldon jerked at the word "crazy", which she belatedly realized was all too similar to calling him insane. "So the fact that I just admitted I have feelings for you means nothing?" he asked in a low voice. "Or the fact that you made a vow to be my wife until death do us part?"

Penny felt the color flooding into her cheeks. "It's not that simple."

He hesitated, and then asked, "Is it Leonard? Perhaps you still retain feelings for him?"

She shook her head slowly. "No… but I'm not in love with you either."

"And you're certain that you could never feel that way… of course not." He looked away.

Penny felt a pang of guilt. She had no idea how to handle the fact that Sheldon seemed to want to stay married to her. "I don't know," she whispered. This was torture, to go from finding out she had feelings for him to breaking his heart in a matter of minutes.

He looked back at her, watching her intently. "Both of my parents had their flaws. They got married because my mother found out she was pregnant with George Junior, but they stayed together through any number of difficulties, even when divorce must have been an easier option." He paused. "I don't want our marriage to fail without making some attempt to salvage it. Perhaps we can agree on a compromise."

Her eyebrows shot up. Now she knew he was serious. He hated the word "compromise" only slightly less than he hated the word "insane". She paced a few more times. Every time she looked over at him, his face was solemn, but there was an expression in his eyes that she had never seen before: pleading.

What if she gave him a chance? It sounded… well, crazy, but she couldn't shake the feeling that they could be really good together. She looked back at their wedding photo. "What kind of compromise?" she heard herself saying.

"I suggest that we do not annul the marriage. Instead, we will go back home and attempt to enter into a dating-type relationship. If we are successful, we simply remain married. If not, we can always get an annulment later."

Still she hesitated. "What about sex?" she asked in low voice. "And kissing and hugging and everything else that goes along with a relationship. I thought you never wanted any of that stuff."

He frowned thoughtfully. "It's true that I was never interested in the mindless pursuit of coitus, or the dating rituals that seem to accompany said pursuit. Marriage would require a paradigm shift, but in many ways, I have already had to time to contemplate the possible ramifications of my actions. I believed that were all unpleasant in the extreme. I never considered a scenario in which I might not want an annulment, but I find myself in that situation now." He sighed. "I hate change. I don't cope well with it, but if you are willing to experience that paradigm shift along with me, I think it would alleviate much of the stress of the situation."

She blinked at him. "So you really want to stay married to me?" she whispered.

He nodded slowly. "There is no one else who has ever cared for me as you do. No one else whom I have allowed to touch me or be in my room… or my bed. You're the only person I've ever willingly embraced. You're the only person with whom I've ever been intimate. That may not mean much to you, but it does to me. So if it was my choice, I would choose to remain married to you."

She let go of his hand and took the photo album from his lap. Placing it carefully on the table, she stood in front of him. She put her arms around his neck and slowly lowered herself onto his lap. "How does this make you feel?" she asked.

He swallowed hard. "My heart rate has accelerated. I'm starting to perspire. Perhaps I need to go see a doctor."

She smiled at him, and he knew he was being ridiculous. Instead of making fun of him or scolding, she leaned against him. "Put your arms around me," she suggested. He did so hesitantly, and she turned so she could snuggle against his chest. After a few moments, she felt his hand move and begin to stroke her hair. She let out a sound that was half moan and half sigh. "What about now?"

There was a long pause before he answered. "Extraordinary. I find myself highly reluctant to have you vacate this position." He stroked her hair, her shoulders, down her arms and across her back. "There is a sense of belonging that you engender by your presence. Mine… my wife," he said in a hushed voice.

The thought flashed through Penny's mind that she should be freaking out. She had panicked and dumped Leonard shortly after he said he loved her. For her other neighbor - the crazy one - to do the same should have sent her running for the hills. But all she could think about was how devastated she had been at the thought of losing him, and how good it felt to have his arms around her. When she believed she'd slept with him in a alcohol-induced stupor, she never wondered why she had chosen him or found the idea of having sex with him repugnant. Instead, her only thought had been how she might have hurt him or damaged their friendship.

"I would like to attempt something," Sheldon said after a few moments of holding her. She looked at him inquiringly. Slowly, he slid his hands up to her shoulders and then upward until he cradled her head in both hands. He bent toward her, so gradually that it took all of her willpower to wait for him. The kiss was just the smallest brush of his lips along hers, but then in a moment, he repeated the gesture, lingering just a little more. Penny wrapped her arms around his neck and made soft noises of encouragement as he kissed her again. It was still only a closed mouth kiss, and yet it was the most romantic one Penny could ever remember. Neither of them noticed as the door opened a few inches and then closed again with a gentle click.

"Well, Violet?" Robert said, looking up from his desk. He was sorting through some paperwork.

"They were kissing," she said, her face creasing into a thousand tiny lines as she smiled. "I think we've won this one, thank heavens." She dropped into the chair in front of the old oak desk and shook her head. "What's wrong with young people nowadays? They complain about every little thing. If they come in drunk as two skunks, wanting to get hitched, there's no pleasing them. You can't turn them away, or they'll cause a scene. Remember that biker who punched you right in the nose?"

"That was years ago," her husband said soothingly.

Violet went on as if he hadn't spoken. "On the other hand, if we perform the ceremony and they change their minds once they sober up, they give us bad reviews online, or worse, try to sue." She shook her head reproachfully. "It looks I convinced these two that they were really in love. Maybe they'll even stay married. I can't bring myself to care anymore. We're getting too old for this business, Robert."

Her husband looked up from his paperwork and smiled at her. "You just keep telling yourself that, Vi. We could've retired anytime in the last fifteen years. You're the one who keeps saying, just one more year. You pretend to complain about the business, but I think you get all sappy over every one of those couples that walk through our doors."

Violet's face softened, and she smiled. "Not every couple." She reached out and patted her husband's hand. "Just the ones that remind me of us when we were young."


	7. Chapter 7

Sheldon was rather shocked by the fact that he _wasn't_ panicking. Penny was sitting on his lap. He had just kissed her… he, Sheldon Cooper PhD, had just voluntarily kissed a woman. But not just any woman: this was Penny, and she was his wife. Intimacy was not only expected, one might argue it was required. Although he didn't remember it, he knew he had already gone far beyond kissing with her. He wasn't ready to try that again - at least, not while he was sober - but his dread of the physical act had abated.

His musings were cut short as the door eased open a few inches, and then was pushed open the rest of the way. Violet, the elderly lady who reminded him somewhat of his Meemaw, came into the room. Her presence was enough to unnerve him into quickly removing Penny's arms from around his neck and urging her off his lap with a gesture that was more a shove than a nudge. The old woman beamed at them. "I stopped back a few minutes ago, but you were so wrapped up in each other, you didn't even hear me." Sheldon felt his face heat. He had exceptional hearing; for him to ignore something like that was highly unusual. Penny had distracted him. Was that another change to which he needed to acclimate?

"Your pictures are absolutely lovely," she continued. "I'm sure you want to take all of them home with you."

It was a sales pitch, and he recognized it as such. Yet he couldn't help but agree with her. He'd never gotten married before, and if he couldn't remember the event, then he wanted to preserve every scrap of evidence of it that he could. Besides, helping the sweet, frail old lady felt like he was helping his own Meemaw. Sheldon quickly agreed to buy the deluxe photo package, which included all the prints as well as the digital files.

Penny said little until Violet had left the room to fetch the rest of their pictures. "So, uh… what are you going to do with all those photos? You weren't planning on telling people we got married, right?"

He considered the question carefully, as it spoke directly to his discomfort with lying. "The most stressful situation for me is when others ask me to keep a secret. I despise the logical inconsistencies inherent in lies, so I prefer not to attempt to hide anything. However, I didn't say anything to my mother about getting married. Nor did I see fit to mention it to Leonard, Howard or Raj. I suppose there are some things I feel no pressure to share, especially when it comes to personal matters. The principle of Occam's Razor says that the simplest solution is often the best one. So for now, if we need to explain the alteration in our relationship status, we will merely say we are dating."

Penny nodded. "I feel the same way. For right now, it's nobody's business but ours."

"Of course, in order to be telling the truth, we will need to begin a regimen of mutual activities." He pulled out his smartphone and began tapping away at the screen.

Penny watched him curiously for a moment. "Okay, what's a regimen, and why are we doing it?" she asked. Then she laughed. "When you put it that way, it sounds dirty."

Sheldon sighed as he pocketed his phone. "A regimen is a regulated course of action. I am proposing-" He halted as she flinched. "I am _suggesting_ that we should spend time together to validate our story that we are dating. It will also serve the purpose of an exploratory test to see if we can function as a pair-bonded couple. I just made reservations at a nearby restaurant. Will you have dinner with me... as my date?"

Penny's eyes widened, and she blushed at his question. "I guess so, but we're not going someplace nice, are we? I don't have anything to wear," she protested.

Another idiosyncrasy he didn't understand, as she was obviously wearing clothing right now. But he had foreseen this objection. He knew that first dates were often casual, to avoid putting too much pressure on either party. Yet this was more than just a first date, it was their first dinner together as a married couple… at least, when they were aware that they were married. They had shared any number of casual meals already, like pizza or Chinese takeout. He wanted tonight to be special, although he had learned from Leonard's example not to overdo it. All the most highly-rated restaurants were sure to be booked months in advance, but he had managed to secure reservations to a decent four-star establishment.

"I anticipated your reaction," he said, allowing himself a pleased little smile. "We have approximately an hour before our dinner reservations. That should give you enough time to find a suitable dress." He pulled out his wallet and handed her one of his credit cards. "This has a thousand dollar spending limit. I trust that will be more than sufficient?"

She gaped at him. "Sweetie, I can't just go spend your money like that."

"Since this is an expense you could not have anticipated, it seems only fair. Besides, it's very important to me that this evening be… memorable."

A little voice inside Penny's head argued that as long as they were married, what was his also belonged to her. She didn't care to think about that too closely, but she accepted the card from his hand.

Just then, Violet came bustling back out, with a large plastic shopping bag in her arms. "Oh, good, I'm glad you're still here," she cried. "I just remembered you were the ones that left these clothes."

As Penny and Sheldon opened the bag, they found all the cowboy gear they had bought at the Western clothier. Penny put a ten-gallon hat on Sheldon's head.

"There, I think you look sexy," she said with a giggle. Again, he felt his face warm. In the shock of finding out that Penny was the woman he had married, he hadn't yet fully assimilated the fact that he had also lost his virginity to her. They had actually had coitus multiple times on their wedding night, which suggested that he must have enjoyed the act enough to repeat it. When Penny called him sexy, he had a sudden mental image of her beneath him, head thrown back as she moaned his name. He wasn't sure if it was a fragment of memory or just a vivid stray thought cobbled together from some of those videos Howard liked to forward to him. The rational part of his mind was appalled; he was _Homo novus_ , an entirely new species, so thoughts about coitus were irrelevant. But a much more primitive part of his mind was fascinated.

* * *

Together, they made their way to the nearest casino, which housed a multi-level shopping center. Penny didn't have much time to browse, but she found a dark green halter dress which brought out her eyes. The cut of the dress was demure, but the shimmering silk hugged her curves like a second skin. Next was a quick dash into a cosmetics store, where the sales lady was happy to do her makeup after she purchased a few "essentials". The last item she needed was the perfect pair of heels to compliment her dress. The designer shoe store she found almost made her squeal. For a few moments, she was in heaven. Although she could have stayed there all night, she quickly chose a pair of black, strappy stilettos. She met Sheldon at their prearranged spot, only a few minutes late. As soon as she saw him, she grinned. He had chosen an exact replica of the charcoal gray suit she had picked out for him years ago when he had that speech. Despite the fact that his suit must have come off a rack, it was exquisitely tailored. One look at the tall, slender figure, and she could see him straightening his cuffs as he emerged from an Aston Martin DB5 after a high-speed chase. (She'd always had a thing for James Bond.)

Solemnly, he offered her his elbow, and she felt suddenly lightheaded as she laid her hand in the crook of his arm.

"You look handsome," she told him. "You should dress up more often."

His gaze swept over her from head to toe. "Your intrinsic aesthetic qualities haven't changed, although I suppose the dress is flattering."

Her face fell. Clearly, if she'd been expecting some form of compliment from him, she could be waiting a long time. She yanked her hand away from his arm. "Gee, thanks, Sheldon," she hissed angrily.

He studied her, puzzled. "Although I am not good at deciphering facial expressions, I believe your flared nostrils indicate you are displeased. Have I said something wrong?"

"Couldn't you just say that I look pretty? Is it really so hard to say something nice to me?" She was blinking rapidly, fighting back tears. Normally, she didn't cry, but the events of the last few hours had been an emotional roller coaster. After he had kissed her in the wedding chapel - voluntarily - she had begun feeling something that she wasn't yet ready to admit. But his response just now crushed any hopes she might have had. What was she thinking, that she and Sheldon might actually make something real out of this accidental wedding?

"You look pretty," Sheldon said quickly.

"What?" Her head jerked up.

His eyes held that wide, deer-in-the-headlights look. "I have no idea what I said to upset you, but that was not my intention to do so."

Penny wiped at her eyes quickly, hoping her mascara was waterproof. "Then why the hell did you just say I looked the same as I always do, except for some stupid backhanded compliment about the dress?"

He frowned. "You misunderstood. I meant that you always look beautiful, regardless of what clothing you choose to wear. I don't pay much attention to current fashion trends, but the dress enhances your… figure." He stumbled to a halt and darted an uncertain glance at her face. "I didn't want to denigrate you by speaking down to you, but I see that I somehow caused offense anyway. This is part of the reason why I never wanted to get involved in a romantic relationship," he muttered darkly.

She took a deep breath and dabbed underneath her eyes. Once she regained her composure, she sighed. "Most guys can't figure out what to say to women. I guess I shouldn't be shocked that you suck at it too. We'll have to work on that. Okay, fine, let me just find a bathroom where I can fix my makeup, and we can go to dinner."

He glanced at his wrist, where he displayed a familiar Batman watch. To her, the sight of it brought a sudden, unwanted flashback of realizing the man she had woken up next to was Sheldon. But the sting of that memory was muted now. He had been with her willingly, thinking they were in love. Now she was beginning to wonder if maybe, in some small way, he'd been right.

"We don't have time for you to reapply your cosmetics," Sheldon said with a frown, pulling her out of her musings. "If we don't leave this minute, we'll be late for our reservation."

Penny smiled gently and put her hand on his arm. "I know being on time is important to you, so I'll hurry. But I also know the restaurant business. They'll hold our table for at least fifteen minutes. Trust me."

She could see the struggle on his face, but he finally nodded and said, "Please hurry."

A delighted grin spread over her face. Sheldon had just said "please" to her!

"I will," she promised. She took two steps, turned, and then danced up to his side to plant a kiss on his cheek. She laughed at the dazed look on his face as she hurried off.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheldon was only peripherally aware of the restaurant or his dinner that evening. Penny's nearness distracted him. He also kept replaying their conversation in his mind, wondering if he could ever decipher the mystery of how her illogical mind worked. He had attempted to be factually honest with her earlier, and it had failed so spectacularly that he still couldn't quite comprehend it. He couldn't understand her; worse, he had no idea why he had kissed her, or why part of him wanted to do it again. Even as he kept up his end of the conversation with "fun facts" and small talk, he couldn't stop thinking about the way her body had felt pressed against his. In his mind, he kept picturing their wedding photos, especially the one of their first kiss as husband and wife. That phrase, "husband and wife", should have filled him with overwhelming panic. The problem was, he had been so focused on the worst case scenario that when he found he had married his closest female friend, it was a relief - almost anticlimactic. Penny was his wife. He had kissed her and touched her and lost his virginity to her. Even though he didn't remember that night, there was no one else with whom he had ever felt so close.

After dinner, they wandered back to their hotel, pausing to stop and watch the Bellagio fountains. Penny leaned against the balustrade with the lights casting multihued highlights in her hair. She looked down. The ground was littered with brochures for gentlemen's clubs and escort services.

"I never really apologized for leaving that escort ad on your nightstand, did I?" she asked softly. "I had no idea how much it would bother you. I should've. I mean, I know what you're like and… I was only thinking about myself. I'm sorry."

"We each had a piece of the puzzle," he said slowly. "You knew we had coitus, but not that we had married. I knew I had wed someone and… participated… three times on my wedding night, but I thought I had married someone vastly inappropriate. I was relieved to discover that the woman I married was you. You're the only woman of my acquaintance that I deem acceptable."

Penny chuckled, and he looked at her quizzically. He hadn't meant to be funny. She grinned at him. "I don't know whether I should take your calling me 'acceptable' as a compliment or an insult," she said, rolling her eyes.

"It's a statement of fact," he replied.

"Okay… in that case, going at it three times when you're so drunk you can barely stand is an impressive fact." She was smiling at him, with one eyebrow raised. Her smile seemed to contain some context he didn't quite understand.

He swallowed hard, suddenly aware of how close she was standing. "Is coitus all that you think about?" he demanded.

"You're the one who brought it up," she challenged, and he found to his chagrin that she was right.

"We certainly don't have much in common. The odds of our getting married must have been extremely small," he mused. "It defies all statistical probability."

"I like the idea of defying the odds," she answered. She looked up at him, and her eyes were gentle and full of acceptance. He touched the side of her face with his fingertips and watched in fascination as she turned her head and grazed his palm with her lips. An enigmatic smile transformed her face. He dropped his hand to her shoulder as she drew closer and slid her arms around his waist. He stepped into her embrace and held her, once again marveling at how right it felt to have her in his arms. She had once told him that when it came to initiating sex, she was a "big ol' five" - she liked to initiate all the time. He was well aware that she must be curbing some of her more aggressive impulses for his sake, which he appreciated. It would be easy for her to press him beyond his comfort zone. Regardless of whether they had coitus before, he wasn't yet ready to do so sober.

Yet as he had told her, intoxication only lowered inhibitions. That meant he must have desired her, and his response to her must mean that on some subconscious level, he still wanted her. A cognitive leap suddenly flashed through his mind, and he tensed with the shock of it. Why hadn't he thought of that before? Intoxication couldn't cause a person to act completely against their will; it freed people to act on their subliminal desires. Which meant that on some level, Penny must have wanted to marry him. His heart was racing almost as quickly as his thoughts. All those years she had spent with Leonard, assiduously avoiding making any kind of commitment or declaration of love which he desperately longed for… had she been held back by some secret feelings for the other guy next door? He remembered vividly the day that Penny had moved in, flashing her bright, open smile at both of them. Leonard had quickly called "dibs" on her, which had made absolutely no sense to him at the time. He'd never shown the least romantic interest in any woman before, while his fickle roommate fell in and out of love - or at least, lust - on a regular basis. Had there always been some esoteric connection between him and Penny, one strong enough to cause Leonard to act even more foolishly than usual around a pretty woman? A shiver ran through him. He didn't believe in fate, kismet, or divine intervention, but he couldn't help but wonder if there was an esoteric link between him and Penny, of a type that science had yet to discover.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, and he realized the rigidity of his posture must have communicated something to her which she interpreted as distress. He allowed the tension to seep out of his body and leaned in toward her just a little bit more.

"Yes, everything is just fine," he answered, permitting himself a smile as his chin rested on top of her head. He breathed in the green apple scent of her hair and found it soothing.

* * *

Penny sat on the side of her hotel bed and tossed her gorgeous new heels off to the side without a second thought. She was too consumed with thoughts of the fact that she had just been out on a date with Sheldon _and_ had a good time. He had still been stubborn, exacting, obsessed with details and skittish about being touched. But he had also clearly been making an effort to meet her halfway, something she never would've expected. He'd never had a girlfriend before, so when he told her he wanted to stay married to her, it had thrown her for a loop. She wasn't sure why she'd even agreed to this, except that in the chapel, she'd seen something unguarded in his face… some part of him that was vulnerable but willing to open up to her. If she hadn't seen that look with her own eyes, she would have suspected he found something convenient about a ready-made marriage. Although what that might be, she couldn't imagine. She didn't cook, he didn't want her to do his cleaning or laundry, and he was the only straight guy in the universe who didn't lust after her. Especially knowing how much he hated change, there was no logical reason why he should want to stay married to her… and yet he did.

He was... _unbending..._ was the best word that she could think of to describe his behavior. He was still Sheldon, but a slightly more relaxed version of himself. He had let her in a little at the chapel, and then a little more at the mall and at the fountains. She had slipped her hand into his as they walked back to their hotel, and while he had looked startled, he hadn't pulled away. Just a few minutes ago, outside the door of her adjoining hotel rooms, she had told him that a good date had to at least end with a kiss, and he hadn't even argued. She had carefully pressed her lips against his for a few seconds, far less time than she wanted, but he didn't freak out on her. In fact, his hands had crept around her waist, and when she pulled away, he looked a little dazed, and she counted that as a victory.

On an impulse, she got up and checked the door connecting their rooms. It was locked, of course… not that she had any idea what she would've done if it had been unlocked. Probably freaked out and locked the door from her side.

They would be going back home tomorrow. She suddenly remembered that it had only been a few weeks since Leonard moved in with Priya. When she and Sheldon told their friends they were dating, would anyone assume that was the reason? That the two of them were just pathetic losers whose lives fell apart without Leonard? Yup, she was sure that was what Bernie would think. And Amy, would she be mad or just think her "bestie" had gone off the deep end? She sucked in a deep breath, wishing that Sheldon was a little more normal. If he was, she could just arrange for some of their friends to "accidentally" discover her making out with him. Acceptance might come easier then. She sighed, flopping backwards onto the bed. Since when had she started to care so much what other people thought? Sure, they were her friends, but within their group, mocking and belittling had become the standard way they interacted **.** _Screw them_ , she suddenly thought, sitting up. She got to her feet and unzipped her dress, dropping it on the floor. _Just let them try and make fun of Sheldon_ , she thought, pacing angrily. _No, that's too impersonal… my Moonpie_ , she thought. _If they give my Moonpie a hard time, I'll make sure they regret it._ She tossed her bra in one direction and kicked the matching thong off in another direction. Proudly, she surveyed her reflection in the mirror. A fierce warrior queen stared back at her, and she remembered her avatar from Age of Conan: Queen Penelope. She was Queen Penelope, and nobody was going to tell her what to do. She slid naked between the cool white sheets and stretched luxuriously across the king-sized bed. Her gaze flicked to the adjoining door, and she wondered what Sheldon was doing on the other side of that door. Was he thinking about her? Was he also wondering what might happen if he had left the door between their rooms unlocked?

 _No,_ she thought and then, with a saucy grin, _At least, not yet._


	9. Chapter 9

Penny woke the next morning to the sound of Sheldon tapping his familiar pattern on the door which separated their rooms. It was simultaneously cute and annoying. She was sprawled diagonally across the bed, having kicked half the bedding onto the floor during the night. Grabbing a thick white terrycloth robe provided by the hotel, she remembered what she had been thinking right before she fell asleep: Queen Penelope. That must have been why she'd had such a restless night. Like Sheldon's knock, the idea of emulating her avatar was both appealing and a little silly, but maybe it was exactly what she needed to knock her out of the rut her life had gotten into lately. Except for that bizarre exception of running off and marrying Sheldon, and then somehow letting him talk her into staying married to give it a trial run. She might have wondered what the hell was wrong with her, but from the way she felt her face break into a smile as soon as she saw him, she already had some idea.

"Hey, Moonpie," she said, teasingly.

Of course, he immediately shot back, "No one calls me Moonpie but Meemaw." Then his expression turned thoughtful. "I suppose I can allow you one term of endearment, as long as it isn't too nauseating."

"I already call you 'sweetie'. Isn't that good enough?"

He frowned. "According to Leonard, that particular epithet usually prefaces some sort of sarcastic comment from you which is directed at either myself, Raj, or Leonard. You also used to call me 'honey' until you started dating Leonard, at which point you used that term exclusively for him."

"Okay, how about I call you 'babe'?" she asked, grinning.

"I resent the implication that I am an infant," he growled.

"No, no, 'babe' can be really sexy. Watch." She pushed the lapels of the robe off the edge of her shoulders and walked her fingers up his chest. He watched her, wide-eyed, as she tossed her long hair over one shoulder and gave him a smoldering look and a wicked little grin. "Hey, babe," she said in a throaty whisper.

He backed up quickly, hands held in loose fists against his body like he was scared he might accidentally touch some part of her.

 _Oh, that's just great_ , she thought sarcastically. Of course, her hitting on him would freak him out. With a sigh, she stepped back and pulled the lapels of her robe closed.

"You came here to tell me something?" she prompted.

He nodded, still looking ready to rabbit if someone said "boo" to him. "It's nine o'clock. The continental breakfast bar closes in an hour, so I came to make sure you were awake."

She nodded. "I'll meet you down there in, like, half an hour."

"Penny…" he whined, sounding agitated.

"What?"

"You are rarely punctual…"

"Hey, watch it, Mister," she growled. He twitched slightly, and she knew that he was weighing the risks of telling her his title was Doctor, not Mister. Apparently, he decided not to pick that particular battle at this moment. "I would appreciate it if you would make every attempt to be on time at precisely nine-thirty," he explained. "We are already in a highly unusual situation, and I find routine and order to be comforting."

Immediately, she felt bad about teasing him. "I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best. Now get out of here so I can go take my shower." She flapped her hands at him in a shooing gesture, and he quickly retreated.

* * *

Her hair was still sopping wet when she walked into the breakfast area, but she was two minutes early. Sheldon had eaten at six-thirty that morning, but he grabbed an apple and joined her at one of the little round tables. While she scarfed down a cheese danish with her morning coffee, he washed his apple with some sort of special wipes he had in his pocket, cut it into precise slices, and was still ready to leave before she was. They were on the road back to Pasadena by ten.

On the drive, Penny kept glancing over at Sheldon. His usual protest that her "check engine" light was on had been followed by an offer to pay to have her car repaired. _That_ had taken her by surprise. She refused, of course, and was relieved he didn't feel the need to explain his sudden generosity. They both knew why: it was the same reason that he had blithely handed her one of his credit cards the other night. In his mind, either she belonged to him, or she was his responsibility. She wasn't sure which, and she really didn't want to know. It was just one more bizarre aspect of this whole surreal weekend.

"We should devise a strategy to implement our paradigm alteration," Sheldon said, interrupting her train of thought.

"Huh?" Honestly, sometimes when he used such big words, it took her a moment to figure out what he was saying. "You want to come up with a plan because we're dating?"

"Yes. Very good, Penny. Specifically, we will need to determine at what point we should inform our friends, and in what manner."

Since she was looking over at him, she caught the slight tic beneath his left eye and knew he was nervous about telling everyone, especially Leonard.

"I think we should tell them all at once. If we don't, there'll be gossiping and rumors, and it'll just make it worse." She glanced over at him again. "Did you tell anyone where we were going this weekend?"

"No. Again, it was not something I wished to discuss with anyone." He paused and looked over at her. "I'm no longer experiencing quite the same horror over my actions as I did before."

"Holy crap, Sheldon, _please_ promise me you won't tell anyone that we're… you know..."

"In a legally defined relationship?"

It was better than him saying "married", she thought with a sigh of relief. "Yeah, that. Can you keep it to yourself?" she asked cautiously, careful not to use the word "secret". That was one of Sheldon's trigger words, almost as bad as "insane". If anyone asked him to keep a secret, he was instantly seized by an irresistible compulsion to blab to anyone who would listen.

To her relief, he nodded. "As agreed, for the present, we will merely tell them that we are dating."

"Good. I think we should have everyone over for pizza and video games. We can tell them it's a housewarming party for Leonard and Priya. That way, we'll be sure they all show up."

"Will you invite Amy?" he asked.

"Sure, babe, if you want her to be there. She's still your friend, right?" Penny ventured a longer look at his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. "I mean, I'm pretty sure she wanted more from you, but that could just be because you're the first guy that's ever paid any attention to her."

"I'm sure you're aware that she attempted to manipulate me into a romantic relationship. When that didn't succeed, she started dating Stuart instead. So I believe that she has, to use a colloquial phrase, moved on."

"Good," Penny sighed. Her friendship with Amy was based more on guilt than any real sense of connection, but she didn't want to hurt her feelings.

She glanced over at Sheldon. They were _dating_. She was in a real, honest-to-God relationship with Sheldon Cooper, PhD, and she was still a little in shock. But then she realized that whatever apprehension she was feeling must be multiplied by a thousand for him. She was his first… everything. The real surprise was how well he was handling the situation.

* * *

Penny pulled Sheldon closer as she kissed him. His hands were splayed across her back, and their knees were touching as she cuddled up next to him on the leather couch. After almost a week of dating, he was finally getting comfortable with the idea of kissing her. She was starting to feel like he really was her boyfriend, even if she hadn't been in a relationship this tame since junior high. She'd quickly realized that was exactly what he needed: to start out slow and easy. The gradual pace of their relationship was driving her crazy, but it was paying off as he got used to letting her kiss him. Sometimes, he even initiated. Penny had started setting her alarm so she could see him - and kiss him goodbye - before he left in the mornings for work. By the third morning, he had a steaming mug of coffee waiting for her. She was so grateful that she might have overdone it a little when she kissed him goodbye. She had given that full lower lip of his just the tiniest nibble and then whispered she would be thinking about him all day. He said goodbye and had walked to the front door. His hand was on the doorknob when he suddenly turned, strode back and kissed her again. His messenger bag bumped against her hip as he buried his hands in her hair. It took a great deal of self control, but she hadn't traced her tongue across his lower lip or hooked a leg over his hip. Instead, she just smiled and said she'd see him when she got home after work. He'd waited up for her and had sent her several impatient texts, wanting to know when she was going to be home.

His mother had visited once and confided to Penny that her youngest son was like a little baby deer. "You just have to let him come to you," Mary Cooper had said. In Penny's experience, there were some guys that didn't like women to make the first move. She usually didn't have the time of day for guys like that, but Sheldon… well, it was different with him. He was her best friend. He was the guy she wanted to curl up on the sofa with and listen to him talk about his day. She still had only the faintest idea what his research was about, besides something to do with string theory. She decided that the next time he tried to explain it to her, she was really going to make her best effort to understand.

The housewarming party was scheduled for the Friday night after they got back from Vegas, and the whole week had been wonderful. No one knew they were together, and although there wasn't much sneaking around now that Leonard had fully moved out, Penny still felt rather naughty knowing that she was kissing Sheldon in secret every chance she got. One day, she had even stopped by Caltech on her way to work (even though Caltech was in the opposite direction from the Cheesecake Factory). She had texted Sheldon that she was out in the parking lot. When he located her car in the back of the lot, she told him to get in.

"I just wanted to say goodbye before I went to work," she said. He caught on quick. A few minutes later, she was laughing as he used the vanity mirror to try to wipe her lipstick off his mouth. "Just think, next week you won't have to bother. You can just go back to work like that." She laughed harder at his shocked expression.

"That would be very unprofessional," he scolded.

She shot him a sardonic look. "You're wearing a Green Lantern t-shirt to work. How professional is that?"

He gaped at her, and she thought his confusion was so cute, she couldn't help but pull his head down to hers once more.


	10. Chapter 10

"What do you think?" Penny asked. She was standing on a chair, stretching to hang up a last ribbon of streamers. It had been her idea to host a housewarming party for Leonard and Priya, but they were holding it in Sheldon's apartment since the couple still wasn't done unpacking. The apartment had never been decorated so festively. Sheldon had tried to object, but she had overruled him in the lowest way possible: by kissing him every time he had opened his mouth to object.

"It's gaudy and overdone; I'm sure Priya will love it," he grumbled.

Penny gave a mock gasp and hopped down from her chair. "You're gonna pay for that," she warned.

"That was a commentary on Priya's sense of style, not-"

She didn't let him finish. His mouth was still open as she cut him off mid-sentence, and she took the opportunity to dart her tongue into his mouth before he could press his lips together. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to imply that French kissing was a punishment, but the past week had been slow torture for her, always wanting more than he was ready for. There were times when she wondered if he would ever willingly move forward, so she took a chance.

He pulled away. "You put your tongue in my mouth," he said accusingly.

She sighed. "Yup. It's supposed to feel good, you know."

"It was weird," he objected.

She focused all her attention on him, having gotten used to Sheldon-speak by now. He wasn't saying he didn't like it, just that it was unfamiliar and different.

"We probably kissed that way before," she said as she reached out and took his hand.

"That thought is rather disturbing. I dislike knowing that something as important as my wedding night happened without my having any memory of it," he complained.

She squeezed his hand tighter as her heart started pounding. "You've thought about us... together?"

Just then, there was a knock at the door. He pulled his hand away and went to answer it. Just before he opened the door, he looked back at her and said, "I can't _stop_ thinking about it."

Penny was sure she had a dumbstruck expression on her face as Sheldon welcomed Howard and Bernadette inside. The man was infuriating; she was dying to ask him exactly what he meant but couldn't in front of their guests.

Soon, all their friends were there, plus a few people Priya knew from work. From the neutral expression on Priya's face as she greeted her coworkers, Penny wasn't sure how pleased Priya was to see them. _Hey, at least I_ tried _to invite her friends_ , Penny thought. It wasn't her fault if Leonard had no idea who his girlfriend's besties were. Then again, given Priya's competitive nature, Penny wondered if she had any real friends at all.

By Penny's standards, the party was a success. Priya's friends from work had mingled well with the group, even if most of them had seemed slightly smug and condescending. The apartment echoed with music and laughter, and there had even been some dancing. Penny had glanced wistfully at Sheldon, but knew better than to ask him to dance with her. He had behaved as well as she could expect, knowing how much he hated parties. He told her he'd spent most of the evening debating intellectual property rights with one of Priya's fellow lawyers and had even gone so far as to exchange business cards with the man. As far as Penny could tell, that was almost the same as Sheldon admitting he'd enjoyed himself.

She had circulated among their friends earlier, asking them to hang around after Priya's co-workers had left. Glancing around the room, she grimaced. She loved all her friends, but they could be rather judgmental at times. How were they going to react when they found out she and Sheldon were together? As she braced herself for the inevitable, Howard rose and walked to the center of the living room.

"May I have your attention please?" he said loudly. The conversation died away as everyone turned to him expectantly.

"There's something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends," he said. He pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket, opened it to reveal a sparkling diamond ring, and knelt down in front of his girlfriend. "Bernadette Maryanne Rostenkowski, will you marry me?"

Bernie's mouth fell open. Then she squealed, "Yes! Yes, of course I will!"

Howard slid the ring on her finger, and the petite blonde joyfully kissed her new fiancé. Watching them, Penny's initial reaction was less than sanguine. _Well, crap, we've just been completely upstaged_ , she thought. She was happy for her friend, of course, but there was no way she and Sheldon could announce they were dating now without seeming completely selfish. She made eye contact with Sheldon and placed her finger over her lips, hoping he understood and would follow her lead.

She hugged Bernadette and admired the ring before Amy shouldered her out of the way. Then she turned to Howard, congratulated him and gave him a slightly awkward, shoulders-only hug. Even Priya's usual cold and haughty manner seemed to thaw as she talked to Bernie, and Penny couldn't help but wonder if she was hoping Leonard would propose to her soon.

She drifted to the outside of the group, next to Sheldon, who had naturally drawn back from the cluster of people. She tugged on his sleeve and drew him down the hallway. After a quick glance around at her options, she pulled him into the bathroom.

He looked confused. "What are we doing?" he asked.

In response, she put her arms around him and laid her cheek against his shoulder. "Thank you for trusting me and not saying anything."

He stroked her back gently. "You're welcome, I suppose, but you still need to explain. I assumed you didn't want to share our news with the group at that particular moment, but your reasoning eludes me."

She smiled up at him as she stepped back. "This is Bernie's big moment. Telling them about us now would shift the attention to us, away from her and Howard. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I did that."

"Curious," Sheldon said, frowning slightly as he tried to fathom social protocol.

"Besides…" Penny hesitated, then decided to tell him her thoughts. "Everyone's really happy for Howard and Bernadette. They're all supportive of the fact that they're together. Same with Leonard and Priya - even Raj has gotten used to the fact that they're a couple. And Stuart was accepted as part of the group right away, once he started dating Amy." She sighed heavily. "I don't know if our friends will react the same way if they find out we're together. In fact, I was pretty sure they'd think it was a joke… you know, like one of your bazingas. I had this crazy thought that if one of them could just walk in on us making out or something, they might understand that we really have feelings for each other."

Sheldon had been listening with a puzzled expression on his face. He reached out, took Penny's hand and guided her to the rim of the bathtub, which in his opinion was the only sanitary place to sit. He perched next to her. "No one would exclude any paramour of yours from the group. Our friends' incredulity would be entirely directed at myself, with good reason. I am the one who has never shown any interest in the opposite sex. I'm the one they view as a freak. And I'm the one who's betraying my best friend by dating his ex-girlfriend."

"I don't care about Leonard's stupid jealousy, and after what he did to you in the Arctic, he doesn't have any right to talk about betrayal. He-"

Suddenly, Sheldon leaned over and kissed her. All thoughts of Leonard fled as Sheldon's arms tightened around her possessively. To her shock and delight, he nibbled at her bottom lip the same way she had done to him just that morning. She tentatively darted her tongue across his mouth. His response was to delve his hands into her hair, pulling her closer as he opened his mouth to her. Penny moaned at his unexpected passion and pressed her body against his. She wondered if she could climb onto his lap without toppling them both over into the tub.

A high-pitched squeal interrupted her plan, and she jerked around to see Bernie standing there in the bathroom. Her friend's eyes were huge, and her engagement ring sparkled as she pressed both hands to her mouth in shock. "Penny? You and _Sheldon_? I can't believe it! Why didn't you tell me?"

Penny's cheeks burned, and for a moment, she was speechless. She glanced at Sheldon, only to find he had the oddest look on his face. Was that embarrassment? No, if she didn't know better, she would've said he looked guilty.

"We were going to tell you all tonight, but I had no idea Howard was going to propose," Penny explained as her face reddened.

By this time, Howard, Leonard and Priya had crowded into the bathroom, with Raj, Amy & Stuart craning their necks in the hallway, trying to see what was going on.

"Aww, it's so cute! Howie, they were kissing! Everyone's falling in love," Bernadette cried ecstatically, grinning at her fiancé of fifteen minutes.

Howard looked confused. "Who was kissing who?" Then he caught sight of Penny and Sheldon, still sitting on the rim of the tub. Their reddened lips and rumpled clothing told him everything he needed to know, even if he hadn't missed the fact that Sheldon had an arm wrapped possessively around Penny.

"What the frak…" he muttered.

"I think I'm hallucinating," Leonard said faintly.

"You always said he needed to loosen up," Priya commented with a shrug. She wasn't nearly as concerned what Sheldon did, as long as it didn't affect her.

Penny blushed, feeling self-conscious yet at the same time supremely happy to have Sheldon's arm around her in front of all of their friends. She stood up, pulling him to his feet as well, and leaned into his side. "We've been together for about a week. We were about to tell you when Howard decided that was the perfect moment to propose. Sorry, Bernie, I didn't mean to steal your thunder."

Her closest friend just grinned back at her. "That's okay. I'm happy, you're happy. Everyone's happy!" She looked around at their circle of friends, and her face fell slightly as her gaze alighted on Raj.

"Maybe I can fix him up with one of my coworkers," she whispered _sotto voce_ to Howard.

"Only if she's smoking hot," Raj grumbled, annoyed that Bernie drew attention to the fact that he was the only single person within their group.

"So this is for real? It's not some stupid joke or social experiment?" Amy asked, squeezing into the bathroom as far as she could.

Sheldon drew Penny a little closer to his side. "You wouldn't ask that question of any of your other acquaintances, would you? Why would you doubt Penny's word? Or mine, for that matter? You know I'm incapable of lying convincingly. Penny and I are in a relationship," he stated calmly, and there wasn't the slightest twitch or tic as he spoke.

Leonard had a little crease between his eyebrows as he studied the two of them. Then he looked over at Priya, gauging her reaction before he said, "Uh... congratulations, I guess."

"Thanks," Penny said with a smile. "Now if we can all move out of the bathroom, I think I have some wine that would be perfect for a toast."

Even Sheldon drank a small sip in honor of "lasting friendships and new beginnings", as Howard tactfully put it, with a quick glance at Raj as he said so. Sheldon leaned down and murmured in Penny's ear, "That wasn't as difficult as you were anticipating, was it?"

"Could've been worse," she agreed in a whisper. "You did that on purpose, didn't you? Somehow you knew Bernie was going to come back and find us."

"She has a distinctive gait. I heard her coming down the hall and decided to implement your suggestion. I didn't think you would object."

"Not as long as you promise to do that again soon," she replied with a flirtatious grin.

He gave her a tiny smile and kissed her on the forehead, as if he had exceeded his limit for public displays of affection. In response, she pulled his head down into a much more passionate kiss, and afterward, even the shocked exclamations from their friends couldn't erase the smug look on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

This new kind of kissing became a part of their routine. Sheldon, much to his chagrin, found himself not only accepting it but looking forward to it. The very thought of Penny was enough to make his heart race and his palms sweat. It was far too easy to become distracted from from his physics calculations by the memory of the warm vanilla scent of her skin or the throaty murmurs of pleasure she made when he kissed her. She occupied his thoughts so often when they were apart that he feared he was becoming obsessed with her. _Homo novus_ was a thing of the past, but he was uncertain how to move forward.

By now, he was almost glad Leonard had moved in with Priya - another sentiment he never would've imagined he could express. But it meant that his best friend wasn't a witness to this transformation. The teasing from the guys was bad enough; he couldn't imagine what they would say if they knew how eagerly he awaited Penny's arrival every evening, or how lonely it seemed when she was working. They were aware of how his schedule had changed. Any night when she was working, they were welcome to come over. New comic book night was the only exception. Leonard was kind enough to pick him up on Wednesdays, although if Penny was home, Sheldon insisted she come with them. She had balked the first time he asked, sure it would make things awkward with the three of them together. But then she saw Raj and Howard found their own way there, and of course, she knew Stuart too. Generally, she would go sit at one of the gaming tables in the back. He had seen Stuart showing her a collected volume of Wonder Woman once, and she was nodding and flipping through the pages. Sheldon promptly bought her the book. Now he had a new goal on Wednesday nights: to find comics series featuring strong female characters that might pique her interest. He knew it couldn't be easy for her to date someone as non-conventional as he was, so he was eager to encourage any common interests.

* * *

"So it's been more than a month for you guys, right?" Leonard asked him one day at lunch.

Sheldon thought about it for a moment. It had been thirty-seven days (and approximately nineteen hours) since he and Penny had agreed to give their marriage a chance and call it dating. They had actually been married for almost six months. In either case, it made sense to merely affirm what Leonard had said.

"Yes, more than a month," he replied. It was an irritatingly vague answer, but Leonard took no notice.

"So how are things going between the two of you?" he pressed. With anyone else, he would have been jealous of whoever was dating his ex, but he was so confused by the idea of Penny and Sheldon dating that he could only regard the situation with a tolerant bemusement.

Sheldon bit back a sigh as he laid down his fork. His friends showed a lively, ongoing curiosity about his relationship with Penny. "It's going well," he said. "I'm writing an app that she can use to organize her shoes."

"In what universe does that mean it's going well?" Raj snickered.

This time, Sheldon didn't hold back the sigh of exasperation. "It means that when it's her turn to pick the activity and she drags me out shoe shopping, I have something to do. Furthermore, we have conversations about what type of shoes are appropriate for which occasion." He shrugged. "I couldn't care less about the shoes, of course, but it gives her an opportunity to share what she finds important. Her knowledge is quite extensive. I could easily see her appearing on one of those cable news programs which focus on celebrities and fashion."

Leonard was staring at him. "Huh," was all he said, thoughtfully, while Howard and Raj looked bewildered.

"What?" Sheldon asked, lifting one eyebrow inquiringly.

"It's just that you took something that I thought would drive you crazy and made it _work_ ," he answered. "The only reason I ever agreed to go shopping with her was to get… uh, never mind," he finished as he and Howard exchanged glances.

Sheldon frowned but ignored whatever Leonard had been about to say as irrelevant. He was well aware of the nature of most of Leonard and Penny's interactions while they had been dating. It was one of the reasons he had insisted their relationship was doomed to failure, and he had no intention of repeating those mistakes.

"But what's in it for you? You can't find writing an app about shoes any kind of intellectual challenge," Howard said.

"Playing Halo with the three of you isn't any sort of challenge either, and yet I continue to do so on a weekly basis," Sheldon answered.

"Hey!" Leonard protested weakly.

Sheldon ignored him. "I never claimed to enjoy shoe shopping, but Penny does, and…" He paused, wondering how much he ought to say. "A relationship can't survive unless both parties are equally satisfied."

"And are you… satisfied?" Howard asked, wiggling his eyebrows in a way that Sheldon had come to understand meant he was making some crude sexual reference.

"Not yet."

Raj and Howard immediately started chortling like a pair of idiots, while Leonard tilted his head and squinted at him.

"Not until she agrees to be my wife," Sheldon elaborated. Immediately, the laughter died, and there was a stunned silence at the table. All three of his friends were staring at him with mingled expressions of shock and horror. A muscle under his eye twitched. Perhaps he had revealed too much, but he was tired of them treating him as an object of ridicule. Although none of them knew it, Penny already _had_ married him. He just needed to convince her to stay that way.

"You're going to propose?" Leonard asked in a high, thin voice.

Sheldon hesitated, and the muscle in his cheek tightened again. It was becoming more and more difficult to navigate through this web of deception. "I've given it extensive consideration," he prevaricated. "It makes a great deal of logical sense. Penny is my closest female friend, as well as the only woman I intend to date."

Raj shook his head. "What about _her_? Why on earth would she ever agree to marry you?"

"I'm by far the most intelligent person she knows," he replied. "I'm fiscally stable, responsible, punctual, and I have excellent hand-eye coordination."

Howard snorted derisively. "Do you really think she cares about any of those things? Do you think she's going to want to marry you because you're _punctual_?"

Sheldon stared at him as his mind worked furiously. Shockingly, Howard made a good point. "I have absolutely no idea," he murmured. After that, he got up, cutting his lunch hour short. He had never considered what Penny might find attractive in a potential mate. When he got back to his desk, he opened up his laptop, pulled up an incognito browser page, and typed in "what makes people fall in love". Then he began reading.

* * *

Penny was watching reruns of The Bachelor that afternoon when her phone chimed. She picked it up and saw she had a text from Sheldon: _I've been thinking about you. Your hair is an aesthetically pleasing, polychromatic melange of shades of gold._ She read it through slowly and had to look up the words "polychromatic" and "melange". Then she sat back and stared in complete confusion at the words on the screen.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think he was drunk," she muttered to herself. She also considered the possibility that someone had stolen his phone and sent her that text as a prank, but who else would use words like that? Finally, she replied: _Thx I think?_

A few minutes later, the response came back: _You're welcome._ Nothing more. After several minutes of staring at her phone, she turned back to her program with a frustrated sigh. She couldn't concentrate on her show when she had the weirdest feeling that Sheldon was trying to flirt with her.

All the rest of the afternoon, she kept wondering about the text. She'd worked herself up into a state of nervous confusion by the time their usual dinner hour arrived, and she was unusually indecisive about what she should wear. Finally, she crossed the hall and let herself into Sheldon's apartment, making sure not to be late. As the door swung open, she halted, gazing around the room in surprise. The lights were dimmed, and there were two white taper candles set up on the coffee table, which was covered with a dark tablecloth. She took all this in as Sheldon rose to greet her. In a few long strides, he reached her side. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her close. Penny gave a little squeak as his mouth descended on hers with a hungry intensity. She molded her body against his.

"I was going to ask what's gotten into you, but I'm not sure I care anymore," she said dreamily. "Can we do that again?" She almost laughed as he paused to give her question serious consideration before kissing her once more.

Over dinner, he asked her if she'd had any auditions lately, and then told her he thought she'd make a good anchor on one of those celebrity news shows. Not like those roles were ever open casting, but she appreciated his encouragement. It was weird, though, having Sheldon compliment her and act supportive of her career. She felt like she had lost her footing, and as she glanced over at him, she imagined him as her anchor, someone she could hold onto. Her face burned as she looked down at her food. A moment later, she found that he was watching her intently. He asked her a question, something about if she could have any superpower, what would it be and why? As she talked, he kept his eyes fixed on her face, making Penny feel flustered once again.

"You're acting really strange," she finally commented. "I mean, the candlelight, the complements, that kiss… Don't get me wrong, it was incredible, but why are you doing this?"

He frowned thoughtfully. "I need to ascertain your answer to another question first. Why do you think you agreed to marry me in Las Vegas?"

Penny choked a little on her food. "What? You know I was drunk. We both were."

He shook his head. "If alcohol lowers inhibitions, that means that you must have had some reason, even if you wouldn't have otherwise acted on it. Besides, you're sober now, and we're still together."

"Yeah, and I'm starting to regret both of those things," she quipped.

He flinched. "Is that really how you feel?"

She looked up and caught the flash of pain in his eyes. "No, babe. I'm sorry. I'm not used to... this." She waved a hand, indicating the two of them.

"I realized today that I have little chance of convincing you to remain married to me if I don't know why you said yes in the first place. Inebriation is not a sufficient explanation."

She looked away. "I don't remember."

"If you did, do you think it would help you make an informed decision about the future of our relationship?"

"That's what this is about, isn't it?" she asked, sitting up straighter as the realization hit her. "You've been trying to convince me that this - a marriage between us - could work."

"Are you convinced?"

She sighed and shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"I understand that certain types of therapies utilizing hypnosis can help a person retrieve latent memories and process them. Would you consider that an option?"

Penny opened her mouth, about to say no. Then she stopped. "What's going on? You don't believe psychology is a real science, so hypnotherapy has got to be even further down the list."

"True, but you place great store in such things. You wouldn't be convinced by empirical data, but perhaps your own memories can clarify your dilemma."

She gave him another baffled glance. "I don't know. I... I'll think about it."


	12. Chapter 12

Under ordinary circumstances, Penny might have forgotten all about Sheldon's idea. The problem was that he was no longer the man she thought she knew. He had shown her an unforeseen capacity for passion that turned her world upside down. She had known him for years, and yet having his brilliant, intent focus directed on her was a bit unnerving. If she could remember that night, if she knew why she said yes, then maybe she would know if they could possibly make it work.

Before she took such a drastic step, she called up Bernie and asked if they could meet for drinks. She felt slightly guilty excluding Amy, but she suspected Amy might still have feelings for Sheldon. After all, he was the first guy to ever pay attention to her… her first friend even, which Penny found incredibly sad. She vowed to herself that she would take Amy out shopping later to make up for it.

Bernadette was naturally curious about Penny's relationship with Sheldon. She listened with a polite but puzzled expression on her face as Penny gave her the heavily edited version of how they got together.

"We've been dating for maybe a month," Penny said, idly stirring her cosmopolitan. "Things are going like you'd expect, I guess. I mean, we kind of hang out like we always did, except now it's usually just the two of us… and there's kissing," she added as her cheeks flushed pink.

"Yeah, from what I saw between the two of you the night Howie proposed, there's some serious sparks flying," Bernie grinned. "So have you… you know?"

Penny blushed again but shook her head. "Not yet." It wasn't completely a lie if she couldn't remember it, right? That reminded her why she wanted her friend's advice, though. She leaned closer. "The thing is… I was kind of tipsy when he asked me… you know, to be his girlfriend. I don't really remember it, and it bothers me. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to see someone about it?"

"You mean you blacked out?" Bernie frowned. "Not a very good way to start a relationship, if you ask me. But you're together now, and you wouldn't be with him if you didn't want to."

"I know. I just wish I remembered. I was thinking about seeing a hypnotherapist to see if I could get some of those memories back."

Bernie's eyebrows rose. "He must really mean a lot to you if you're so anxious to remember how he asked you out."

Penny fiddled with her drink again. "Yeah, I guess so," she answered. She felt terrible for deceiving her best friend, but she would rather have Bernie think she was crazy over Sheldon that confess that they were secretly married.

The next day, she went online and found three therapists in the area who specialized in "guided meditation" or "therapeutic imagery", which she guessed sounded more legit than hypnotherapy. She really didn't care what they called it; she had once visited a psychic regularly in the hopes it might help her anemic acting career. After calling all three, she made an appointment with the one with the soonest available opening.

She still couldn't quell her nervousness. What if she had married Sheldon for a stupid reason? What would it mean for their relationship? Bernie and Sheldon both seemed to think that it was more important that they were together now, but she needed to know why he had proposed-and why she accepted.

* * *

The therapist was a woman only slightly older than Penny herself, with sharp features and masses of chestnut curls. She introduced herself as Julie. "Were you referred to me by another therapist?" she asked.

"Uh, no. I just need to remember something that happened to me."

"Tell me what you do remember," Julie prompted.

So Penny began talking about the trip to Vegas and how she dragged Sheldon away because she was bored. Julie listened attentively as she explained how she ended up kissing Sheldon. "Everything's fuzzy after that. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in bed with him."

"Do you believe something happened without your consent?" Julie asked.

Penny stared at her. "What? No, nothing like that. You see, we, uh… we got married that night. But you see, this guy, I've known him for years, and he's never been interested in sex or dating before. Now he wants to stay married, and he's acting like a boyfriend, which is just so weird. I don't really know what to think. I want to remember the rest of that night because I want to know why he proposed and why I wanted to marry him."

"Hmm… therapeutic imagery might help you retrieve those memories, but there's no guarantees. I think it would be helpful if we explored what was going on in your life at the time before we try hypnotherapy. Would that be all right with you?"

"Yeah, I guess," she replied hesitantly.

"So tell me more about your friends and why you decided to spend a weekend away with them."

Penny leaned back, eyes fixed on the floor. "Our excuse for going to Vegas was supposed to be to help Raj get over his latest breakup, but I guess we all had our own reasons for going…"

She left the therapist's office feeling somewhat drained. Talking with Julie had brought up a lot of emotions that she usually preferred not to think about, like how Priya made her feel inferior, and how that attitude made her question if dumping Leonard has been a bad decision. Now she was scared that she'd said yes to Sheldon just to feel better about herself, the way buying a new pair of shoes often did.

* * *

Sheldon dragged his hands over the rough texture of his plaid wool slacks. It didn't help much; his palms were still damp. Once he had confessed to his friends that he wished Penny to be his wife, he had started researching how to make someone fall in love. Most of the sources he consulted made it clear that physical touch was an important component of a romantic relationship. He had kissed Penny for the first time - or at least, the first time he was sober and could remember it - without agonizing over his decision. But he was well aware that she was used to more. In fact, he knew in the past, she would often choose to have coitus with a man after one date, while knowing little about him. That was obviously not his preference. He was convinced that only by taking the time to get to truly know each other would their relationship stand a chance, and that bond would be stymied if they jumped right into having coitus.

However, he had recently come to the conclusion that Penny had been abstinent for at least the two months they'd been dating, a circumstance which was unusual for her. She was a young woman with a healthy sex drive who had a strict moral code against cheating… and he was technically, legally, her husband. For almost two months, he had been withholding any kind of sexual fulfillment from her while denying her the freedom to choose another partner. The idea of her seeking out some other man for coitus made his stomach churn, even if he could believe she would do such a thing. Since she wasn't that type of person, that left only one other option. He must see to her needs. This was why his hands were sweating as he waited for Penny to show up at his apartment for dinner as she usually did. He hoped she wouldn't demand coitus of him. He used to think that intercourse sounded messy and unsanitary, nothing he would ever voluntarily choose to do. But as his feelings for Penny had grown, he was beginning to desire her. The idea of having sex was no longer distasteful, but it was still unnerving. He was afraid of doing something so uncharacteristic, of losing himself in mindless sensation. The memory of that act would be seared into his brain, forever just as clear and vivid as the moment it happened. To do that with Penny when she still wasn't certain about their future would be a disaster. He had no idea how anyone was expected to move on from that. With his eidetic memory, he was certain he would never be able to even look at another woman. Because of this, he was determined that he would only have coitus with Penny when she was ready to put that diamond solitaire back on her finger and promise she would never leave him. Once he had become convinced that it was his responsibility to meet her sexual needs, he hoped he could persuade her to be satisfied with certain alternatives to coitus. Even that would be far too intense, far too intimate, but compromises had to be made.

He was usually silent throughout their meal, only half-heartedly throwing out some random fun facts about the lifespan of oysters and the chemical composition of pulsars.

Finally, Penny put down her half-eaten pad thai. "Is something bothering you, babe?"

He swallowed hard and haltingly began to explain his thought process. Her jaw dropped as he told her that he felt an obligation to fulfill her sexual needs, and her eyes almost popped out of her skull when he explained that he was only offering digital stimulation.

"That means using my hands, not an electronic device," he added.

"Holy crap on a cracker." That was all she said for several seconds. Then she blinked, and furrows appeared across her forehead. "Honey, you look scared to death, and you never said that you wanted to take things further."

"I admit to feeling conflicted, but-"

"So, you're like literally tossing me a bone?" She jumped to her feet. "Are you kidding me? You act like I'm some kind of sex-starved maniac, like getting me off would be this big sacrifice for you! What makes you even think I'd want any of that from you? It's obviously that last thing in the world you want! You think I don't have any self-control, but the last guy I slept with was you, so screw you. I can take care of my own needs," she snarled at him.

He shrank back from her vehemence.

She snatched up her purse, ready to storm out.

"Wait… please," he called. She paused and looked back at him, still scowling. "Did I understand you correctly?" he asked cautiously. "You've been abstinent since our wedding night? You haven't had coitus with anyone else since then?"

Reluctantly, she nodded.

He thought for a moment. "Why?" he finally asked. "You weren't aware that we were married."

With a sigh, she settled down next to him on the couch. "I never really thought about the consequences of sleeping around until you were the guy I ended up in bed with. When I thought I might lose your friendship, I felt so awful. I couldn't look at another guy without being reminded of what I did."

"Now that you know we got married first, does that change your perspective of those events?"

"Sort of," she replied. "I still don't know how we ended up married. I still feel like I took advantage of you."

He took her hand in his, her left hand. "Maybe I was the one who took advantage of you," he said with a spark of amusement in his eyes.

"That doesn't make any sense," she protested, but she allowed him to draw her closer. As his mouth closed over hers and his fingers threaded through her hair, she allowed his kisses to banish the last of her annoyance.

Over the next several weeks, she kept up her sessions with Julie, digging deeper into her past and why she was afraid of commitment. Sheldon continued to surprise her. He regularly complimented her, and if his flattery was sometimes awkwardly worded, she could tell he was sincere. He also modified his routine to take her out once a week. He took her paintballing and to high school football games, and once to a murder mystery where he insisted they both dress up in Victorian garb. The ruffled shirt looked a bit silly on him, but Penny couldn't help but notice the way the tight knee breeches hugged his backside. He wasn't classically handsome, but she was beginning to find a lot of things about him sexy: the intense deep blue of his eyes, his well-defined jawline, the play of the muscles in his forearms. Then there was the way he could take her breath away whenever they kissed. Their relationship was far from perfect, but after a few months, they were still together, and her feelings for him were growing deeper with every passing day.


	13. Chapter 13

One morning when Sheldon walked into his office, he found Leonard there waiting for him. He raised one eyebrow in surprise. While he liked to arrive to work early, Leonard had been barely sneaking into work by eight, now that he was living on the other side of town - or perhaps his tardiness was due to amorous activities with Priya. Sheldon didn't care which it was, nor did he want to know. He glanced at his old roommate and then moved around him to hang up his jacket on the coat tree in the corner of the room.

"I assume you wish to talk about a personal matter?" he asked.

"How'd you know?" Leonard replied.

Sheldon bit back a sigh. "If you wanted to talk about a work-related matter, you could have done so on the clock. The fact that you have sought me out before work began indicates that the matter is also of a personal nature, or else you would simply say what you wanted to over lunch. It's a simple logical deduction."

"Oh… right," Leonard squinted at him for a moment before jamming his hands in his pockets. "It's about Penny."

"I see." Sheldon moved so the desk was between them. He clasped his hands behind his back. "What about Penny?"

"I just… I don't want to see you get hurt. Honestly, I didn't think the two of you would make it this far. At first, it just seemed like a knee-jerk reaction to me moving in with Priya. You know, I thought in some ways, Penny was like a substitute roommate to you. She's familiar, and she takes care of you. But it's been three months, and now I'm really starting to worry about you. You said you were thinking about marriage, and I know why. You think if you're married, she can't leave you, but Penny's never going to… she's not interested in marriage or commitment. And come on, you're hardly her type. In fact, you're like her anti-type. Face it, your relationship just doesn't have a future. If you let yourself get too attached, you're just going to regret it. I did," he added quietly.

Sheldon frowned. After a moment, he placed his hands on the desk and leaned forward. "You are hardly an impartial observer. Do you still have feelings for her?"

Leonard shrugged. "You never stop having feelings for someone you used to love."

Sheldon rose to his full height and raised one eyebrow. "So if Penny and I did terminate our relationship, what would you do? She thinks that Priya is hoping you will propose soon." He felt his jaw tighten. "Are you waiting to see if Penny becomes available again?"

Leonard raked one hand through his slicked-back curls. "Of course not… but it's only natural to have a plan B, isn't it? I mean, if you're really interested in dating now, you have so many other options. Those crazy grad students used to throw themselves at you all the time, remember? It's okay to have a … an exit strategy."

There was a roaring in Sheldon's ears as he stalked toward his best friend. He clenched his hands tightly. "That is the difference between you and I, Leonard. There is no one else for me, and let me make one thing perfectly clear - Penny is _mine_. She is not your second choice or your backup plan. She is my-" He broke off, shock piercing the haze of anger that had fogged his brain. Dimly, he noted that Leonard had scrambled back and was holding his arms up defensively. He sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. "She's mine."

For a moment, Leonard stammered incomprehensibly. "Don't say I didn't try to warn you," he finally muttered and sidled out the door.

Sheldon was still pacing his office, filled with a restless energy that demanded that he do something, when Raj walked in. Taking one look at the other man's face, his eyes widened and he took a cautious step back. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"Leonard," Sheldon growled. Hearing the unusual rasp in his own voice, he halted in confusion.

Raj sighed and leaned against his own desk. "What did he say that's got you all riled up?"

"He said my relationship with Penny doesn't have a future. Then he told me I had 'other options', and said that he still had feelings for her. He implied she was his backup if his relationship with his sister failed."

Raj's eyes narrowed, and he scowled. "That smug, two-timing bastard… no wonder you're so ticked off. I'm surprised you didn't punch him."

Sheldon glanced down at his hands. "I was tempted," he confessed. Then he glanced back at his friend. "I thought you would've agreed with him, about Penny and I dating."

Raj looked away. "We took bets," he muttered. "On how long your dating Penny would last. I guessed ten weeks, which was way more than Howard or Leonard thought. Maybe he freaked out when he realized you exceeded all our predictions. As for taking sides… Priya's my sister. She scares me sometimes, but she's still my sister. So if Leonard is shacking up with her, then I'd rather hear he's thinking about marrying her than that he's got a backup plan." He made a moue of disgust.

"I don't have a backup plan," Sheldon said quickly. "I don't want to have an exit strategy. I love Penny, and I want to marry her."

Raj looked at him and shook his head. "Leonard was right about one thing; you've always have other options, even if you were oblivious to them. So why her? She doesn't really seem to be your type - if you even have a type. For a while, we all thought Amy was the kind of girl you'd go for. She's a lot like you: brainy, rude, terrible fashion sense. You and Penny have almost nothing in common."

Sheldon hesitated. "Trust," he answered. "That's why I love her, why I need her. There's never been anyone else who has supported me and understood me. She may laugh at my quirks - everyone does - but she also accommodates them. Even knowing what I'm like, how difficult I can be, she still likes me. When she smiles at me, I feel like I would do anything for her. The wonder is not that I fell in love with her, but that it took me four years to do so."

Raj's mouth had fallen open as he listened. "That was beautiful," he finally managed. Then his smile faded. "I don't think Penny's used to anyone seeing her like that… like a person instead of arm candy. I hope you can be patient, because having someone know her - the real her - and love her anyway, probably scares the hell out of her."

Sheldon frowned. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Sure, it does; it's a pattern. Men like her for her looks. Her relationships are usually nothing more than lots of sex with guys who will take her out and pay for things. Minimal effort on her part, minimal commitment. She keeps things light and casual so she's not hurt when it ends. Your relationship must be stronger than you think if she knows how you feel and still hasn't run screaming."

"Perhaps," Sheldon replied, but he was unconvinced.

* * *

"It was the hat," Penny murmured. Her eyes were closed, and she was leaning back in an overstuffed armchair in the therapist's office.

"What about the hat?" Julie asked.

"It made him look hot. I put it on his head because I wanted an excuse to touch him," she said.

"Good. What happened next?"

"He looked. He never looks."

"He never looks at you?" Julie asked softly.

"Not like that. Not like he wanted me."

"What did you do?"

"I grabbed him by the hand. We were going to have our rematch. He didn't let go of my hand. We were leaning on each other as we walked down the street. Everywhere he touched me felt like it was on fire."

"Then what happened?"

Penny frowned. "We were fighting…"

"Why?"

Her frown deepened, then finally cleared, although her eyes remained closed. "The guy at the shooting range wouldn't let us in. He said we were wasted, and there was no way in hell he would put even a BB gun in our hands."

"Were you angry at him?"

"I guess… I was more annoyed at Sheldon. I wanted to show him I was better. I wanted to wipe that look off his face."

"What look is that?" Julie prompted.

"The one I hate. The one that says, I'm better than you."

"So what did you do?"

"I picked a fight with him. It's so easy to push his buttons. When he gets mad, he acts like a little kid on the playground."

"Okay, Penny, I want you to open your eyes in three… two… one…"

Penny did as she was instructed. "I keep getting these little pieces back, more and more each week. It was going really good. Why'd you stop me?"

"You said your purpose in coming here was to remember why you agreed to marry him. I think you just revealed something very significant." Julie tapped at her laptop, and Penny heard a recording of her voice, sounding detached and vague, saying, "I wanted to show him I was better. I wanted to wipe that look off his face."

"Oh… yeah, I guess I did," Penny said slowly.

With a few more keystrokes, Julie played back the next soundbite: "The one I hate. The one that says I'm better than you."

"How does it make you feel when you think he's looking down on you?"

"Angry, I guess… hurt, and maybe a little ashamed. He's my friend; I want him to stick up for me, not tear me down."

"Why do you feel ashamed?"

"Because some part of me thinks he's right. I'm a waitress. I can barely afford my rent, and then I go out and do something stupid like buy these designer shoes because they make me feel better."

"Why do the shoes make you feel better?"

Penny shrugged and looked down at her hands, interlaced on her lap. "I guess I feel like if I'm wearing something so beautiful and expensive that means I'm not a failure, that I deserve better things."

"That look you described from Sheldon, did that make you feel like a failure too?"

She nodded, then her face went blank with shock. "Is that why I said yes?" she whispered. "Because he used to look down on me, so it made me feel like got one over on him?" Color suffused her face. "Did I seriously marry him because I wanted to… embarrass him?"

"We still have some more work to do to uncover your motivations," Julie replied. "But I think that your actions since discovering you're married are just as important, if not more so. You said he was a friend before that night, and now you're at least giving the relationship a chance. Clearly, you care about him. The question is, are your feelings are strong enough to remain married to him?"

Penny felt a trembling seize her whole body. She clasped her hands tightly in her lap. "I don't know," she whispered.


	14. Chapter 14

Penny was acting strangely that night. Sheldon watched her surreptitiously as they ate their takeout and planned their next get-together with their friends. He had come a long way from his former complete inability to read facial expressions. With other people, he was still rather hopeless at it, but he could tell from the small vertical lines between her eyebrows and the way one corner of her mouth drew in that something was bothering her.

"Didn't you have an audition today?" he asked.

"What? Oh, that. It got cancelled." She sighed. "I'm never gonna become a famous actress."

"I would encourage you not to give up on your dreams. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it's impossible. I happen to know you are a very talented thespian. That means an actor, not-"

"I know what it means, Sheldon. Stop talking down to me," she snapped.

He blinked and leaned slightly away from her, feeling dismayed. It had taken him months of concerted effort to ask her about her day before talking about his, to learn how to pay her sincere compliments, and in general to put her needs first. Once he realized that he needed to work at their relationship, he had developed an algorithm that he used every day. It didn't come naturally to him, but he found that his attachment to her had grown exponentially. She had become integrated into his life. Seeing her was the best part of every day. Yet she wasn't responding the way he had hoped. After doing extensive research on what makes people fall in love, he had implemented everything he had read, no matter how silly it had initially seemed to him. He had even signed up to use the Cray supercomputer during evening hours for a whole week, following the dubious advice of the maxim, _Absence makes the heart grow fonder_. The results were not what he expected. After almost five months of dating, he was now certain he was in love with her. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure what she felt for him.

Penny huffed. "I'm just so frustrated. I wish you would just rip my clothes off and screw me six ways from Sunday until I couldn't even get out of bed." She finished with another unhappy sigh and stabbed her fork viciously into her takeout.

That was another bone of contention in their relationship. He didn't wish to engage in coitus until she promised she would stay married to him, while she'd been offended by his offer to sexually gratify her and turned him down flat. From his online research, he understood that many women wanted nothing more than for their boyfriends to propose. Unfortunately, his girlfriend/wife had a severe aversion to commitment and had by no means made up her mind about him. They'd fought over this issue a number of times, neither of them willing to give ground.

He thought for a moment. "Do you know why I haven't asked you to move in with me?"

"You mean besides the fact that we're not sleeping together?"

"Yes, besides that," he answered doggedly.

"Okay, then I guess it's because you think I'm a slob, and you don't want to share your space or make room for my stuff."

"No, that's not the reason. I know we both have reservations about making this relationship permanent. I have been doing my best to address my own issues, while I am pleased you took my advice about seeking counseling." Penny opened her mouth, and he was afraid she had taken offense to his last statement, so he quickly continued. "After observing your relationship with Leonard for years, I surmise that nothing would more quickly alarm you than to feel pressured. Asking you to move in would be putting you in a situation where it would seem you had no alternative. In short, until you've made up your mind, you need an exit strategy. I believe keeping your apartment will favorably influence you toward deciding for a commitment."

She blinked at him for several seconds, then she squinted at him. Finally, she said, "That's why you don't want to sleep with me. Because in your mind, there's no coming back from that. You're trying to protect yourself in case I decide we can't make this work."

His eyebrows rose as he gazed at her. "That's correct," he said slowly. _And frighteningly insightful_. "I'm well aware that you've been patient with me, but if we start having coitus and then you decide to leave me, I… there is no exit strategy, no recovery, and no way that I would ever be the same."

She looked down and twisted her hands in her lap. "You're just as scared as I am, for different reasons," she whispered. "I'm scared of what my life will look like if I stay, and you don't know what will happen if I go."

He stared at her, wondering if he should tell her what he was thinking. Finally, he spoke up. "If I thought it would bind you to me permanently, I would take you back to my bedroom right now and make love to you over and over again until you promised to stay with me forever."

She made a small noise in the back of her throat. "Holy crap on a cracker…" she murmured. She clenched her hands tightly together in her lap. "You really mean it, don't you?"

"Always," he said, with an intensity that made her quake.

Her cheeks reddened as she looked away. "I want to," she said at last, glancing back at him. "It doesn't seem crazy to me anymore, but..."

He nodded. "I understand. We both need to be certain."

When he walked her to her door that evening, she kissed him with a tenderness she rarely exhibited. Then she wrapped her arms around him, squeezed him so hard he could barely breathe, and then slipped inside her apartment without another word. It was highly unusual behavior for her, and he could only hope that it was a change for the better.

* * *

The next day, Penny called Bernadette, almost in a panic. "He's serious," she moaned.

"Who, Sheldon? Isn't he always?" Bernie asked wryly.

Unfortunately for Penny, that just brought back memories of Sheldon holding her gaze with his own. When he had said "always", there were layers of meaning in that single word. "No, I mean about me," she said, lowering her voice as if someone might eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Really? What does that mean? You guys have only been dating for a few months, right?"

"It's been… um… five months, I guess," Penny said, counting back in her head.

Bernie giggled. "I can't believe you made it past five hours without wanting to strangle him."

"Been there, done that," she drawled. "But... he's different now, for the past few months. I think he's really been making an effort to be a better boyfriend. It's almost weird. Like sometimes, I look at him and think, who is this guy I'm dating? Sometimes I think I would almost be more comfortable if he would call me a blonde monkey or suggest I do porn. I knew that Sheldon. I knew how to deal with him. I never thought about the old Sheldon in a romantic light or wondered if he had feelings for me." She paused, wondering how much she should say, but she needed some advice. "He has a ring - a frickin' engagement ring."

The line was silent for several seconds, then Bernie said in a voice that was even squeakier than normal, "He _proposed_?"

"No, not yet," Penny lied.

"I'm trying to be supportive, but you wouldn't really considering getting engaged to Sheldon, would you? After all you went through with Leonard, how could you even think about getting engaged to his best friend?"

"Hey, this has nothing to do with Leonard," Penny shot back angrily. "He moved on first, not me. He's living with Priya now, so I don't care what he thinks about me and Sheldon. If anything, he should be happy for us."

There was another pause, and then Bernie said, "I just meant that Leonard's a really nice guy. You always said so. I don't understand what you see in Sheldon. I mean, sure, I was all for the two of you hooking up. You seemed so lonely after Leonard started going out with Priya. But I don't want to see you rushing into something you'll regret later."

Penny was still riled by Bernie's words, but she said, "Trust me, that's not what I want either. Look, you and Howard are engaged now; Leonard moved across town with Priya. We just don't hang out as a group like we used to, so I guess you haven't seen how much Sheldon's changed."

"Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this," Bernie said after a pause, "but Howie told me that Sheldon said he wanted to get married after you'd only been dating for a month. I guess it's possible he just knows what he wants."

Penny's hands started to shake so badly she almost dropped her phone. How could he do that to her? She felt betrayed. It was one thing to let their friends know they were dating; another thing entirely for Sheldon to announce to his friends that he was thinking about marriage. She winced; her friends' opinions mattered a great deal to her. She didn't like hearing that Bernie still had no idea what she saw in Sheldon, or thought she would've been better off with Leonard. Bernie's doubts only compounded her own insecurities. "Just because that's what he wants doesn't mean that's what I want," she snapped. She quickly ended her conversation with Bernie and paced around her living room as her thoughts whirled in circles. Then she picked up the phone, called her therapist, and begged Julie to squeeze her in for an emergency session.

* * *

Penny paced in the small office. "I can't stand it anymore. He wants to get married - _stay_ married - and I have no idea why. I have to remember the rest of it, tonight."

Julie regarded her calmly. "Even if we succeed, I'm not certain that will give you the answers you seek. Answer me this: do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?"

Penny bit her lip. Abruptly, she sat down on the couch and wrapped her arms around her body. "I'm crazy about him," she said in a low voice. "Every time I see him, I just light up inside, and it feels like… like coming home. Being with him is the best thing that's ever happened to me." She sniffed and swiped at her eyes. "So yeah, I'm in love with him. And I'm scared to death I'm gonna mess it up. He deserves better - what if he wakes up one day and realizes it too?"

"I think you both deserve to be with someone who loves you completely for who you are," Julie replied.

Shaking her head, Penny leaned back and closed her eyes. "Help me remember the last of it, _please_."

Soon, she was reliving the now-familiar moments from Vegas as her argument with Sheldon turned into something else… her shock and delight as he began kissing her back… and how badly she wanted him. Then there was that stomach-churning moment when she was sure he would reject her. Instead, he'd gone down on one knee on the dirty sidewalk and proposed. The rest came back in pieces, some memories irretrievably lost. He had pulled her down the street, arm around her waist, stopping every so often to kiss her again. They found a tiny wedding chapel sandwiched between two larger buildings. She remembered him pointing without hesitation at one of the larger rings in the display and saying, "This one," with an authoritative note. The grandmotherly woman beamed at them as she took it out of the case.

Then she was in a dressing room, sliding on an elegant ivory gown. The curtain slid open, and Sheldon appeared, wearing a tuxedo. He was tugging at the sleeves, which were a little short. "I bought a new one," he said. "I didn't want to get married in-" She launched herself at him, kissing him hungrily. "I can't wait to take it off you."

The tips of his ears turned pink as he skimmed his hands down the form-fitting dress. "Me too."

"What happened next?" Julie's voice seemed to float to her from a distance.

Penny focused, reaching for the elusive memories. Suddenly, she saw her hand on Sheldon's black-clad arm and heard strains of the wedding march play. She halted and tugged on his arm. "Why me?"

He looked surprised. "There's never been anyone else. Even when I didn't know, it was always you," he explained solemnly.

She understood. "Now you're my always too." she told him. With no more hesitation, she took his arm again and let him lead her to the front of the chapel, where she carefully repeated the vows. At the end, Sheldon claimed her mouth in a way that left her weak-kneed.

There were flashes of them making out in the back of the taxi, Sheldon's gratified moan as his fingers slid below the neckline of her dress and the gasp that was almost a squeak as she stroked him through his trousers. They were in the hotel room, all pretense at patience gone, tearing each other's clothes off as fast as they could. She remembered the look on his face as he slid inside her, an expression she had never seen on his face before. In retrospect, it could only be described as worshipful. At some point, she lay with her head on his chest, listening as the frenzied thudding of his heart slowed. She had already been reaching down to touch him again when his hand closed over her wrist. For a moment, she felt a quiver of panic that he might have changed his mind.

"I love you," he whispered. "Shoulda told you that first." Then he held her face in both hands and kissed her with a tenderness that brought tears to her eyes.

"Three… two...one…"

She felt the trickle of moisture on her cheeks as she looked around, finding herself in her therapist's office. The transition was shocking; the memories had been so vivid that she was disoriented.

"Are you all right?" Julie asked as she leaned forward, holding out a box of tissues.

After blotting her eyes, Penny moaned and dropped her head into her hands. Guilt overwhelmed her. This was worse... so much worse. He loved her, and she loved him. To most people, that equaled romance and happily ever after. To her, it was a disaster. She knew exactly why she had accepted his proposal, and it was for all the reasons she shouldn't have. She knew she wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough; hell, hadn't even been _sober_ enough.

Growing up, she had been the one kid her father had pinned his hopes on. Her older sister had gotten knocked up right before graduating high school; her brother had discovered weed when he was thirteen and had been in and out of juvie or rehab or jail ever since. She was the only one who made her dad smile. Her bedroom had been covered with trophies for softball, soccer, track and 4H. Then her interests had shifted: cheerleading instead of softball, acting instead of 4H, and eventually, drunken hookups under the bleachers instead of trophies. Her dad stopped calling her "Slugger". His smile was replaced by a look of disappointment.

Sheldon could insult her all he wanted; they could have those stupid battles of will every night. He'd hurt her feelings, and she'd hurt his. The one thing she couldn't face was the idea of seeing that same look of disappointment on his face. It was just a matter of time, she told herself, before he regretted his decision.


	15. Chapter 15

Over the next few days, Penny brooded. Through her therapy sessions, she'd finally recovered the last of her memories. She now knew that she had accepted Sheldon's proposal out of a combination of low self-esteem and a genuine affection for him. It wasn't something she ever would've done sober. It wasn't something she thought he would've done sober either. But his reaction to the news still baffled her. Once he got over his initial shock, he had been doing his best to make their marriage work, and she still wasn't sure why. She was an uneducated waitress whose IQ could only be described as average. He was a bona fide genius. He was also completely devoted to her, someone she genuinely enjoyed spending time with, and he continued to make her toes curl every time they kissed. The way she saw it, he was definitely not getting the better end of the deal, being with her. The only thing she really had going for her was that she was young and hot, not that he seemed to care about any of those things. He wanted her; just her, no matter if she was happy or sad, if she dressed up or wore sweats. She wasn't sure how to handle that level of devotion.

During that week when Sheldon was absent in the evenings, Penny quickly realized how much she'd grown to rely on him. She wanted to tell him stories about her crazy customers or cuddle close to his side while watching some sci-fi movie. She wanted to breathe in his faint masculine scent, mixed with the smell of dry erase markers, as she found that sensitive spot behind his ear. She wanted to feel his broad hands clench her shoulders when she straddled his lap and kissed him senseless. For this first time, she was beginning to understand the appeal of being with someone who was a virgin. The idea that he had never been with anyone else brought out a possessiveness in her. She wanted to be the one - the only one - to make love to him. She wanted to be his first and only in so many things, and the depth of her emotions terrified her. He was brilliant, with a rising career and lofty ambitions. She was a waitress who dreamed of being an actress but who was too lazy - or too scared - to fully pursue her dreams. It didn't matter if she wanted him; she knew they shouldn't be together. She would just drag him down.

They'd been dating for six months, and she was still trying to process what she had learned in her hypnotherapy sessions. She knew she had feelings for Sheldon and believed that his quirky behavior had masked them for a long time. But what she still wasn't sure about was whether those feelings were strong enough to build a lifetime commitment on. He still drove her crazy, but now that phrase had an entirely different meaning, as there were too many times when she just wanted to pounce on him. She knew that he was not unaffected by their make out sessions either. She'd come to realize that when he pushed her away, he was fighting for control. But there didn't seem to be anything she could do to make him break his self-imposed chastity, other than put that huge diamond ring on her finger and promise him the rest of her life.

* * *

One night, they were sitting on the couch in Sheldon's apartment. He wanted to watch one of the Star Trek movies, so her price for willingly sitting through the movie was for him to make out with her beforehand. Not that either of them would actually acknowledge that was what they were doing, but that was how it worked. After a few minutes, Sheldon pulled back just enough to lean his forehead against hers. One of his large hands was still cradling the back of her neck, just the way she liked it.

"There's something I would like to discuss with you," he said.

She pouted. "Can't it wait until later?" She captured his mouth once more, and her tongue flicked against his lower lip.

He groaned but once again put some distance between them. "It's important. I want to talk about our anniversary."

It took Penny's lust-fogged brain a moment to catch up with what he was saying. Anniversary… that must mean it had been a full year since they had drunkenly tied the knot. "What about it?" she asked reluctantly. She had a feeling she wouldn't like whatever he was about to say.

"I wanted to mark the occasion in a significant manner. We could go away for the weekend." He reached for her left hand. "Perhaps by now you are willing to reconsider-"

"No!" She jerked her hand away, knowing exactly what he was asking. "I told you, it's way too soon. Don't ask me to wear that damn ring. I can't."

He glanced away, and the muscles of his jaw clenched. "This isn't working," he said, so quietly she could barely hear him.

"We've only been together for a few months," she began.

"We've known each other for five years," he retorted. His words were clipped short, and the tendons in his neck stood out. He slid several inches closer to the arm of the couch, putting more distance between them. "When we agreed to date, I knew nothing about being a boyfriend, but I tried. Later, I realized I hadn't given you much reason to want to stay married to me, so I began to research what makes people fall in love. Learning new patterns of behavior was difficult and stressful for me, but I persisted. I trained myself to ask about your day and truly listen to what you had to say. I involved myself in activities that you enjoyed, like shoe shopping. I kiss you and touch you and compliment you and… and the end result is that I've fallen in love with you, while you are unmoved." The lines of his face were drawn tight, and his expression was bleak in a way she had never seen him before. "You don't love me. I'm not certain you're capable of it. We need to end this charade - I need it to end. I want you to leave."

"Come on, honey, don't be like this," Penny wheedled. "I know things aren't perfect, but-"

"Do you love me?" he demanded. "It's a simple question, and the answer is either yes or no."

Her throat seemed to close up. "I… I care about you," she faltered.

He closed his eyes as if he couldn't bear the sight of her. "It's not enough. This relationship is terminated. Please leave immediately."

Her vision blurred. "Sheldon…"

His eyes flew open. "Go!" he roared at her. In that moment, she could see in his eyes all of his pain - pain that she had caused. With a sob, she fled.

Back in her own apartment, she sank down onto the loveseat, no longer able to hold back her tears. She couldn't believe Sheldon had broken up with her. All those things he said about her had wounded her to the core. He was being such an idiot. After a few moments, she went and splashed cold water on her face. He couldn't possibly mean it. How could he say he loved her one minute and break up with her the next? She would give him a day or so to cool off, and then she was sure she could get him to come around.

* * *

The first inkling of dread came when he wouldn't return her texts. Undaunted, she knocked on his door one evening. He didn't answer, and when she tried the handle, it was locked. So she waited around the lobby the next evening around five-thirty, intending to pretend to casually run into him after Leonard dropped him off. He never showed. Now she was really starting to feel alarmed. In desperation, she called Leonard, who regretfully told her that Sheldon had shown up on his doorstep a few nights ago with a packed bag, asking to stay for "an indeterminate amount of time".

"I've never seen him like this," Leonard confided. "He won't eat; he doesn't want to play video games or go to the comic book store. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you broke his heart."

Penny felt the tears well up in her eyes again as she clutched at her phone. "I didn't mean to," she whispered miserably.

"He won't talk about it, but do you want to tell me what happened? I'm still your friend, you know."

"Maybe later. It's... complicated. But thanks." She hung up. She never expected her relationship with Sheldon to last, but it still surprised her how much it hurt that he'd broken up with her. Pulling out her phone again, she called Bernadette.

"Can you come over?" she asked plaintively. "I could really use a friend. Sheldon broke up with me."

"Yeah, I know. The guys gossip like a bunch of old ladies. I'll be over right away," Bernie promised.

True to her word, she arrived less than an hour later, bearing a bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream. She hugged Penny. "How are you holding up?"

Penny took the bottle of wine and headed for the kitchen. Bernie trailed behind. Penny grabbed two wine glasses out of her cupboard. "I think I'm still in shock," she answered as she doled out the first drinks. "I didn't think he meant it. I mean, we've had fights before, but this wasn't like that. He just suddenly told me it wasn't working out, and that we were through."

Bernie put the ice cream in Penny's freezer and sat down next to her on the sofa. "Didn't he tell you why he was breaking up with you?" she asked, wide-eyed.

Penny squirmed uncomfortably. "I know why. He wanted something from me I wasn't able to give him - a commitment."

Bernie unsuccessfully tried to stifle a laugh. "Wow, I guess you guys were really doomed from the start."

"Hey!" Penny cried, offended. "I thought you're supposed to be taking my side."

"Oh, come on. Commitment's just not your style. You're a love-'em-and-leave-'em kind of girl. If he wanted someone who'd never leave him, he should've gone with Amy. That girl's a desperate, clingy leech." She giggled, and Penny eyed her friend's empty wine glass suspiciously. With a huff, she got up and filled her glass almost to the brim and walked back to the living room.

"He said he'd been making changes for me, and that I didn't make any for him." She glanced over at Bernie, only to find her friend eyeing her with one eyebrow raised. "What?"

Bernie shrugged. "Like I said, you just treated him like every other boyfriend you've ever had. Did he really think you were gonna fall for him?"

Blinking slowly, Penny tried to figure out what her friend was telling her. "Are you saying that if I really loved Sheldon, I would've changed who I am?"

"Of course not - not who you are. I mean what you do. If you really loved him, you'd have made him a priority. You'd have gone out of your way to show him how much he meant to you. Worn superhero shirts, or gone to a sci-fi convention, or read up on physics - stuff like that."

Penny swallowed hard, and the aftertaste of the wine was suddenly bitter in her mouth. "He did change," she whispered. "And I just thought it was weird. I didn't understand. I didn't make any kind of effort." Tears sprang into her eyes.

Bernie put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "It's okay, hon. Someday, you'll meet the right guy and-"

"No. No! He is the right guy. I love him, Bernie. My mom always told me I should let the guy chase me, and never let him think I loved him more or say 'I love you' first." She shook her head. "Maybe that works with some guys, but Sheldon didn't play games like that. He just… he just offered me his heart." She sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense to her. Sheldon saw the world in terms of black and white. There were no gray areas for him; you were either in or out. He had let her in, been completely vulnerable in a way she wasn't even sure she could imitate, and she had just treated him like a casual fling. She sat up straighter and put down her wine glass. "I can do better. You're right; I wasn't a good girlfriend to him." She jumped up and walked into her kitchen where she rummaged through a drawer until she found a notepad and a pen.

"Uh, Penny, what are you-"

"I just need a plan. I'm going to figure out what I did wrong, and I'll fix it, and then he'll take me back. Come on, help me; what did you say? Learn physics," she said, writing it down on the paper with a number one in front of it. "Number two - wear superhero shirts. Ooh, I should start reading more of those comics he bought me."

Bernie looked over her shoulder with a frown. "I've never seen you like this before," she commented hesitantly.

Penny looked up with a grin. "I have a plan, and I'm going to get him back. Just watch me."


	16. Chapter 16

That evening, she set her alarm for eight AM the next morning, which no longer seemed quite so early. Since dating Sheldon, she didn't go out drinking and clubbing until the wee hours of the morning. After she got dressed in grubby old clothes, she tackled her apartment, trying to look at it through Sheldon's eyes. Then she got to work, cleaning, vacuuming and disinfecting everything. She ordered a label maker and drawer dividers online. Sure, she had no idea what she was doing when it came to organization, but she would figure it out. Next, she printed out a registration form for a remedial physics class at a community college. There was no way she would ever be able to understand his work at the level he did, but she could at least try to learn the difference between a Boson-Higgs particle and a black hole.**

The next day, she started in on her closet. It was clear that all too often over the years, she had bought clothes or shoes she couldn't afford, for the temporary boost it gave her ego. She grabbed some trash bags and started filling them with whatever clothes she hadn't worn in a while. When she was done, she actually liked the look of her closet much better. It was a lot easier to see what clothes she had now. It was harder for her to sort through her beloved shoes, but after a few hours, she had one pile to keep, and another group that she hoped she could sell online. Most of the shoes in the latter group had been only worn once or twice. It was hardly like she could wait tables in five-inch designer pumps anyway.

When she was done, she sat back on her heels and surveyed her progress with a sense of satisfaction. Then her smile faded. As far as she knew, Sheldon still hadn't come back to his apartment. She needed to find out how he was. He had to know that she didn't want them to break up. All this time, she had stubbornly refused to consider the possibility that they were finished for good. Maybe if he just heard her out, he would be willing to give her a second chance. She tried to call him again but got sent straight to voicemail. Sighing, she hoped he hadn't blocked her number.

After several more days, she was starting to get worried. Sheldon had never cut her out of his life before, no matter how upset he had been. She refused to leave any more messages; obviously, he had no intention of responding to them. Instead, she called Leonard. He agreed to meet her for coffee to discuss the "Sheldon situation", but when he showed up, he wasn't alone.

"Priya! I didn't know you were coming, too," Penny said pointedly, baring her teeth in what could be construed as a smile.

Priya's smile didn't reach her eyes either as she replied in a saccharine tone, "I'm just here to lend moral support."

They found a booth tucked in a quiet corner. The three of them ordered their drinks, although Penny knew her cup of coffee mostly just acted as a prop. If she wrapped both hands around the mug, she was less likely to fidget. She was loath to let Priya see how much the break-up had affected her.

"How's he doing?" she asked once the harried-looking waitress dropped off their drinks and left.

Leonard frowned. "He's been back at work all this week. You know, he actually called in sick for three days after you broke up. I have no idea what he's working on now; for all I know, he's just scribbling nonsense on a whiteboard, but at least he's showing up to work. And he's eating, at least a little. We take turns bringing him food at lunchtime. He won't come to the cafeteria yet. I think he's afraid he'll run into Leslie Winkle or Kripke. You know how much they both love to give him a hard time."

"Did he say anything to you about what happened?" she asked in a low voice, glancing over at Priya. She needn't have worried; Priya had her head turned away, watching the other coffee shop patrons with a bored expression on her face.

"Not much," Leonard replied with a helpless shrug. "He said he repeated my mistake. He didn't say what he meant by that, but a couple of months ago, he told us that, uh… that he was very serious about your relationship. From what he's said, I guess you weren't any more ready for 'serious' with him than you were with me."

Priya shot her a quick, hard glance that was brimming with hostility.

"It's complicated," Penny said quickly, unwilling to explain further. "Besides, he deserves someone better, someone more like him."

"Are you kidding me?" Leonard cried loudly. He didn't see the antagonistic glare Priya shot at him. "When we found out you were dating, none of us could believe it, and it wasn't because we thought he could do better. It was because we thought you could. I mean, if you and I couldn't make it work, what chance did a crazy bastard like him have anyway?"

Penny tensed. "He's not crazy," she snapped.

Leonard held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I don't get what's going on between the two of you. He broke up with you, but he's the one who's acting like he got dumped. You sound like you still have feelings for him." He sighed and shook his head. "If you want my advice - and I'm not sure you do - leave him alone. Give him time to get back into his old routine and his schedule. He never had a girlfriend before, and he needs time to adjust to being single again."

Penny stared at him, stricken. "He's not," she murmured.

"Uh… sorry? Not what?"

"He's not single," she said slowly. "I've been looking at this all wrong."

Leonard tilted his head to the side. "I'm not following you," he said, squinting at her in confusion.

Her eyes widened. "I get it now," she said. A huge smile spread across her face. "I know what to do. Thanks, Leonard, you're the best. Gotta go!"

Priya was also watching her with a blank look of surprise, but Penny ignored her as she grabbed her purse and dashed out of the shop.

Priya turned to her boyfriend. "What was that all about?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in a supercilious manner.

He stared after Penny and slowly shook his head. "I honestly have no idea."

* * *

Penny felt she owed Leonard a debt of gratitude, because she thought she finally understood what had gone wrong in her relationship with Sheldon. She'd started dating him almost reluctantly, as if she were just waiting for things to fall apart, while in his mind, they were married. He had been treating her as if she was his wife. The changes in his routine, the compliments, even the steamy makeout sessions, were all his way of showing her his commitment to her. And she'd been so afraid of their relationship failing that she never did anything for him in return. It was no wonder he'd gotten frustrated, no wonder he thought she didn't love him. But she did. It was why she hadn't been interested in dating anyone else after waking up in Sheldon's bed. It was why she had lied to try to keep him in her life. And it was why she now knew she would do whatever it took to convince him that she loved him.

* * *

Sheldon surveyed his surroundings with a grimace of distaste. He was indebted to Leonard for letting him "crash" on the sofa. Breaking up with Penny was something he never imagined he would do. Since he had also never imagined he would fall in love, get married, or have his heart broken, perhaps he had merely come full circle. He was still trying to come to terms with the failure of his marriage. The best approach seemed to be for him to bury himself in his work. Unfortunately, staying over at Leonard and Priya's apartment only exacerbated what was already a miserable situation. In his opinion, Priya delighted in making his life a living hell. She refused to follow his meal schedule or his bathroom routine. He was sure she deliberately seduced Leonard some mornings, just to leave him waiting by the front door. He would clutch the strap of his messenger bag and scowl at their bedroom door, wishing he had earplugs. The final insult was that the couch was too short to properly accommodate his six-foot frame.

He had to go home; it was time. The problem was that he lived right across the hall from Penny. He had no idea how he was supposed to act around her. How could they return to mere friendship? He was certain he could no longer see her date someone else with equanimity.

Bending down, he picked up a sheaf of papers that were lying on top of his packed bags. He had printed the documents online this morning. Although Leonard still had no idea about the marriage, he had been surprisingly gracious about the break-up. Despite his predictions, not once had he said, "I told you so". Also, if he was planning to try to win Penny back, he hadn't said anything about it. For the first time, Sheldon wondered if Leonard had experienced any sadness or pain when his best friend started dating his ex. It had never occurred to him before. If Leonard dumped Priya and got back together with Penny… he bit his lip, hard. His father always told him that only sissies cry. He'd never understood that statement, but as a child, he'd gotten the lesson literally pounded into him that excesses of emotion were only for women. He supposed that of all the people Penny could date, in some regards, Leonard was the least objectionable option. Yet his fist tightened on the papers in his hand, creasing them. He wasn't the complacent man that his best friend was. There was no way he could calmly step aside and watch Penny and Leonard resume their relationship. Maybe MIT was in need of a theoretical physicist.

"Ready to go?"

Speak of the devil. The phrase from Sheldon's childhood came unbidden to his mind. Quickly, he shoved the papers into his bag and faced his friend. The shorter man's face was creased with something that Sheldon suspected was concern. He regarded Leonard for a long moment.

"Are you planning to resume your relationship with Penny, now that I have terminated our association?"

Leonard's eyebrows shot up. "Is that what you really think of me?"

"Some would call it poetic justice. I had no idea how you would be affected when Penny and I…" He stopped and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "You told me as much. You said she was your backup plan."

Leonard glanced wildly around the apartment. "Come on, that was months ago!" He stepped closer and said in a low voice, "Look, when I first moved in with Priya, we had some problems. You're not the only one who has a hard time with change, but now, we've worked it out. Priya and I are really serious about each other. We've been talking about getting married, although neither of us are sure we're ready to take that step."

"Trust me, it would be a mistake," Sheldon was quick to interject.

Leonard scowled at him. "That's what you said when I was dating Penny, too." He sighed. "I don't care what weird hang-ups you have. We're always going to be friends, even if we both had feelings for the same woman. So I'll promise you this: I won't pursue a relationship with Penny, even if things don't work out with Priya."

"Thank you, Leonard," Sheldon said quietly. He rarely expressed grateful to anyone, but now that he understood how Leonard must have felt, he appreciated the show of solidarity.

Leonard shrugged. "You know what they say about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Penny and I had lots of chances to make it work between us, but she just didn't love me the way I loved her. Priya's beautiful and intelligent, and she wants to marry me."

"Then why don't you propose?"

"I'd say it's not that simple... but I guess I can't really think of a good reason not to." He paused, reached out and patted Sheldon briefly on the shoulder. "I'm sorry you got hurt. I was always skeptical about you and Penny, but I never wanted you to suffer."

Casting an oblique glance at him, Sheldon asked quietly, "Didn't you?"

Leonard's brow furrowed. If Sheldon could have read his friend's mind, he would have been surprised. For Leonard, theirs was a complicated friendship, tainted by a one-sided rivalry more than a decade old that was fueled by Leonard's inferiority complex. Now that Sheldon had been humbled, he felt he was in a position to be magnanimous. "Not like this," he finally replied. "I never imagined you of all people could have your heart broken." Another pause. "Can I ask you something? If you loved her, why were you the one to end things?"

Sheldon's expression turned bleak. "History repeated itself. She didn't love me the way I loved her either."

Leonard bent down and shouldered his friend's bag. "For what it's worth, I know exactly how you feel."

* * *

 _**A/N: Penny refers to a "Boson-Higgs particle", but actually it's a Higgs boson particle. She called it that because she's still rather ignorant of physics._


	17. Chapter 17

Penny trudged wearily up the stairs after another long waitressing shift. As she reached the landing of the fourth floor, she stopped and dug around in her purse for her keys. The building was usually quiet for this hour of night, so that was why she could faintly hear some sound coming from Sheldon's apartment. She crept closer and pressed her ear to the door. After a few moments, she recognized the sound effects of a video game. Grinning, she thought to herself that Sheldon must have moved back into his own place. Hopefully, this was a good sign. She knocked on the door, paused, and then knocked three times.

"Sheldon?" she called. She repeated this pattern two more times, just like he loved to do, but to no avail. In fact, as she listened intently, she realized that she no longer heard the video game. Either he had muted it, or he had turned it off and gone to bed. With a huff of frustration, she went back to her apartment alone.

The next morning as she was getting ready for work, she heard a knock at her front door. She raced to the door and looked out of the peephole. If she was honest with herself, she'd been hoping it was Sheldon at her door, even though she had no reason to think he would seek her out. Instead, she saw a middle-aged man in a business suit, holding an envelope. She opened the door cautiously.

"Are you Penelope Ann Cooper?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied warily.

He handed her the envelope. "This is official notice that you've been served."

She reached out a hand to the door frame to steady herself, wondering if she was being sued. "What's in the envelope?" she faltered.

The man had already reached the head of the stairs, but he turned and looked at her with a sympathetic expression. "I work for a divorce attorney," he answered before quickly disappearing down the stairs.

Penny took the envelope inside and stared at it a long time before she finally opened it with trembling hands. The document was several pages long, but at the top was written, "Petition of Dissolution of Marriage". She flipped through the paperwork with growing despair. One simple phrase caught her attention. A box was checked off next to the words "unsound mind". At first, she thought Sheldon might be accusing her of being crazy. As she worked through the rest of the unfamiliar words, she realized he was trying to get their marriage annulled by claiming that, while intoxicated, neither of them had been in their right minds when they got married. It was hard to argue with that when it had taken weeks of therapy for her to remember why she had accepted his proposal.

She had to talk to him. It had been well over a week since she'd seen him. She suspected that he was so hurt that he could only deal with his pain by shutting her out of his life. But she refused to give up, so she grabbed her phone. First, she called in sick to work, then she camped out in the hallway with her back against his front door. He had to come home eventually, right? Just to be sure, she sent Leonard a text and confirmed that he was giving Sheldon a ride home as usual.

She waited for hours until he finally appeared, and the moment he laid eyes on her, he looked as though he might turn around and flee. "Wait, please. We have to talk." She got to her feet and held out the divorce papers. "I don't want this to be over. I… I love you."

His eyes flicked quickly downward, taking in the red t-shirt she wore with its encircled lightning bolt.

For a moment, something flashed in his eyes, but then he shook his head. "I gave you ample time to exhibit proof of an emotional attachment to me, but you did not. And no, I don't consider physical affection to be adequate proof, since I know you are capable of having coitus with men for whom you don't feel any connection beyond a temporary lust."

"I cleaned my apartment," she volunteered in a small voice. He raised one eyebrow, a skeptical expression on his face. "No, I did; I swear. You can come look. And I signed up to take an introductory level physics course… and I got this for you, too." She held out a brightly wrapped package.

"What is it?" he asked, regarding the box as if it was a poisonous snake.

"It's a limited edition Batman statue thing… I forget exactly what it is, but Stuart can tell you. He's the one who sold it to me."

His gaze lingered on the box for a moment, but then he stepped back and actually put his hands behind his back.

"I don't want it," he said in a strained voice. "I never asked you to do any of those things. That wasn't what I wanted from you."

She didn't know what to say. Suddenly, the fact that she had cleaned her apartment and signed up for a basic physics course didn't seem to be nearly enough. He was right, again. For the past six months, he had only asked her for one thing. "All right. I'll wear the ring. I'll stay."

He looked at her, and for a moment, she saw all the raw pain and fear that he was struggling to hide. "No. It's too late."

"Babe, please… I know I upset you, but you can't just give up on us." A thought struck her. "I have an idea. Can I come back again in an hour or so? I know you still have feelings for me, so please give me a chance to prove that I mean what I say."

He frowned, looking doubtful. "I doubt there is anything you could say or do that would make me change my mind. Still, I suppose it can't hurt… any more than you already have hurt me," he added sourly.

She studied his face, wanting desperately to erase the pain she saw there. "I'll make it up to you. I know you don't believe me yet, but you will."

His head jerked once, down and then up again. Taking that as assent, Penny raced down the stairs.

* * *

The brawny man eyed her doubtfully. "Ya sure about this?"

"Yup, I'm sure."

"You're the customer; I'll do anything you want. But if ya change your mind, don't blame me."

"Sheldon is my husband," Penny replied firmly.

"Sister, that don't mean it's gonna last."

"It will… this time. This time, I'm going to fight for him."

With a shake of his head, he accepted the cash Penny held out to him. Taking a deep breath, she undid the top few buttons of her shirt. "Right here," she said, pointing. "I want it right here."

* * *

Sheldon paced in his apartment. All attempts to distract his mind from what Penny might be doing had failed. For more than a week, he'd tried his best to put her out of his mind. He had very sternly told himself that he'd been a fool, that trying to salvage his marriage to Penny had been a mistake. He knew about her fear of commitment, but he'd been a self-deluded idiot to think that he, of all people, could get her to overcome it. That was why he convinced himself that the only way to get over her was to make a clean break. Intending to find a new place to live, he'd come back to his apartment the previous night to start packing. Instead, he'd been overwhelmed with memories of the time they'd spent together. He'd turned to a particularly difficult level in one of his favorite video games in an effort to distract himself, and that was when she had knocked on his door. Like a coward, he'd quickly turned the game off and fled to the safety of his room.

Suddenly, Penny burst through his door, startling him out of his reverie. She was breathless and panting. "Sorry, I just… ran up all… those stairs," she gasped. She put a hand against her chest and then winced.

He felt a stab of alarm. "Are you experiencing cardiac arrhythmia?" he asked.

"Arrhythmia… crap, that's another word I'll have to learn," she muttered under her breath. "No, I'm fine," she said aloud. "Just a little sore."

He frowned. "If running up four flights of steps is somehow supposed to convince me that you have feelings for me-"

"No. No, that's not it. I have something to show you." She glanced at him, giving him a small smile though her eyebrows drew together. Then she started unbuttoning her shirt.

He backed away, hurt and confusion warring in his mind. If she thought sex was going to somehow fix their relationship, she was even more mistaken. Then something shiny caught his eye. Penny drew down the neck of her blouse, revealing a glossy red mark on her chest.

"I think you're gonna have to come closer to read it," she said shyly.

Swallowing hard, he took a few steps toward her. "What is it?" he asked, but he was already starting to understand. Underneath a layer of what looked like plastic wrap was a tattoo. Penny had gotten a red heart emblazoned on the left side of her chest, just above where her actual heart was. There were letters in a graceful script across it, and he came to a standstill as the word came into focus.

His head snapped up. "That's my name."

"Yup," she said. One side of her mouth quirked up in a tiny smile. "It's permanent… forever. It's going to be a part of me for the rest of my life."

He swallowed hard, lifted a hand as if to touch the tattoo, and then pulled his hand away. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yup, but it was worth it. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't understand how or why you could just decide you wanted to stay married to me. But now I know: you were all in, from the moment you found out. You weren't trying to protect yourself; maybe you didn't even know how… but I was. I was trying to leave myself a way out, and you didn't." She gestured at her chest. "So there's no way out of this. I wanted to show you that I'm not going to be dating anyone else. I'm not going to _be_ with anyone else. It's you or no one. It seems right that we got married in Vegas because I'm betting everything on you." She took a step closer and reached for his hand. "I want to be your wife," she said gently. "I will proudly wear that ring you bought me, or any other ring. We can have another wedding with all our friends and family, and I'll promise to love you forever in front of all of them. I'll give up the lease on my apartment, and we can move in together. We'll argue about the furniture and knick-knacks, and we'll kiss and make up. We'll see each other every day and sleep in the same bed every night - I hope - and maybe someday we'll have super-smart kids who try to buy yellowcake uranium and fry their sister's hamster in a homemade CAT scanner. And we'll grow old together because there's no one in the world I'd rather be with."

Sheldon's face had been blank with shock as she began speaking, but his expression softened. As she wound to a halt, he gave her a slight smile. "That sounded like a marriage proposal. I'm a traditionalist. I think the man should propose, but since we know I did that the first time, then... yes, I accept." A broad, lopsided grin spread across his face.

Penny shrieked in excitement and flung herself into his arms. She kissed him almost frantically. "I love you, babe," she whispered. Then she laughed. "It all seems so simple now. I love you. All I ever wanted was for you to be a part of my life forever… and now you are."

Sheldon rested his forehead on hers. "Tell me again," he ordered in a low voice. "Tell me you're going to be my wife."

She grinned at him. "I already am."

Normally, Sheldon was extremely serious, but he allowed a soft, genuine smile to spread over his face. "I believe I have a promise to fulfill to you. I said that if it would bind you to me, I would make love to you over and over again."

The shocked looked on her face morphed into delight. Then her face fell. "I can't wait to be with you, but I want your first time to be special. I'm still wearing my work uniform," she said, pulling at it with a grimace. "I didn't shave my legs this morning. I don't even remember if I put on a matching bra and underwear."

"Penny… my love," he said quietly, interrupting her panicked rambling. "I don't care about any of those things. All I want is you."

She gasped, and then tears began to glisten in her eyes. "All right," she whispered, almost shyly.

"I do have one request," he began hesitantly. She watched in astonishment as two faint spots of pink appeared on his cheeks.

"Anything, babe."

The color in his face deepened. "Will you wear the ring I bought you? I'd like to see you wearing that... and nothing else," he added, flushing a darker shade.

Her eyes lit up, and she took his hand, pulling him toward her. "You've been thinking about this," she purred. She rose up on her tiptoes and whispered, "Whatever you want. I'm yours… always." Then he tugged on her hand and led her back to the bedroom.


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning, it took very little convincing on Penny's part to get her newly reaffirmed husband to call in sick. "We really didn't have much of a honeymoon," she argued with a pout, and then demonstrated what she felt they'd been missing.

Later, when she was lying nestled in his arms, waiting for her pounding heart to calm, she asked, "So what do you want to tell our friends?" Then she groaned. "Or our families? Holy crap, my dad's gonna kill me if he finds out I got married without having him give me away."

"My mother will be equally displeased that I kept something so important a secret from her," he answered regretfully.

Penny raised up on her elbow to look into his face. "You did tell her we were dating, right?"

"Yes, of course," he answered quickly. "But no more than that."

"What did she say? Was she… happy about us?"

He brushed her hair back from her face. "She said you were a nice girl, and that Missy liked you. Then she told me I should wait until I was married to have sex." His eyes twinkled at her. "I was relieved to be able to assure her that wouldn't be a problem."

Penny laughed but then she frowned. "I have an idea. I just don't know if you're going to like it."

"Then perhaps you should make sure I'm in a good mood before you tell me."

Her jaw dropped, and then she started giggling. "I can't believe you just said-" The rest of her sentence was cut off as he pulled her on top of him and fused his mouth to hers. Within moments, all coherent thought had fled.

A few hours later, Penny wandered out into the living room, clad only in a plaid robe so long it threatened to trip her. Her boyfriend - no, her _husband_ \- was in the shower, and she couldn't resist stealing his robe from the hook on the bathroom door. She turned her head against the soft flannel and breathed deeply; it smelled like him. Maybe she would keep it. Then, with a smile, she remembered she didn't have to. He was hers, and he wasn't going anywhere. She could snuggle with him whenever she wanted.

"Penny, where is my bathrobe?"

She turned around and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh. Sheldon poked his head out of the bathroom door, and he was wearing a yellow shower cap on his head. She sauntered over to him with a huge grin. "Whackadoodle. What is this thing?" she asked, plucking it off his head.

"You stole my robe," he growled, trying to sound angry.

"Mmm… you can have it back," she teased, sliding a hand down his chest. Her fingers glided lower, following the dark line of hair to where it disappeared beneath the navy towel wrapped around his waist.

"Penny…" he protested helplessly.

Her smile promised all sorts of wicked things. Oh yes, she liked seeing him helpless to resist her. Loved seeing that cool demeanor crack as he cried out and begged for more.

He grabbed her wrist before she could go exploring below the terry cloth demarcation. "You are an insatiable minx. Don't you remember what caused us to vacate my room?"

"You mean besides the fact that I'm starving?" she asked, but the downward flick of her eyes gave a double entendre to her words.

"Our takeout will be here any minute now, but I am referring to the fact that we ran out of condoms," he pointed out.

She pouted, looking up at him through her lashes to see if it had any effect on him. It didn't seem to. "We can still have lots of fun without one," she purred.

His eyes widened, and he paled. She smirked at his expression until he said, "I know you mentioned having children someday, but I don't think I'm ready to attempt to have a family just yet."

The smile vanished from her face. "That's not what I meant. Holy crap, you really want children?"

His expression was guarded, almost shy, as he answered, "Yes. Is that so unusual?"

"Of course not. I just didn't think you-" She broke off and shook her head. There were times she still thought he was crazy, but she loved him exactly as he was. "If you can somehow figure out how not to expect your kids to be perfect all the time, I think you'd make a wonderful father… someday." She wound her arms around his neck and kissed him. He was all too willing to follow her lead, and things were just starting to get interested when they heard a knock at the door. She sighed and disengaged from him reluctantly. "I guess that's our food," she said with a rueful smile.

They ate at the coffee table, since Penny hadn't been successful in convincing him to take their meal back to his bedroom.

"What was your idea?" he asked her suddenly.

"Hmm?" she questioned with her mouth full of pad thai.

He sighed, motioned for her to finish her mouthful, and explained, "You said you had an idea about how we were going to inform our families."

"Oh, yeah, that." She dropped her gaze for a moment, and then looked back at him. "I just thought maybe we should make it look more like a normal relationship. We'd tell them we got back together, then after a while, we'd say we got engaged and eventually have a real wedding."

He frowned thoughtfully. "I assume this fiction would unfold over months, perhaps even years."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess… but we'd both know we're really married."

Sheldon carefully placed his empty takeout container down on the table. "That is a very sensible idea, very logical," he said slowly.

She studied his face. "And?" she prompted.

"And I don't like it," he said unhappily. He thought for a moment. "I have a counter-proposal." He took a deep breath and gripped his hands tightly together in his lap. "We tell our friends and families that we have resumed dating. In five weeks, we could go away to Las Vegas for the weekend. We would return to tell everyone that we made an impulsive decision to get married while we were there. We'd say that we decided to stay married because it revealed the depth of our feelings for each other. Everything we said would be true - except for the year in which this occurred."

Her face softened in comprehension. "Five weeks… that's our anniversary, isn't it?"

He nodded, refusing to meet her gaze. She slid off the couch and knelt in front of him, taking his hands in hers. "If that's what you really want, then that's what we'll do," she told him gently. She glanced down to where she could just see the edge of her tattoo peeking out from under Sheldon's plaid flannel robe. "I have your name written across my heart. Did you really think I was going to say no to you?" She could tell from the expression on his face that was exactly what he'd been thinking.

"I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to get along with," he began.

"Yeah, I know," she said with a huge grin.

He eyed her warily. "That makes you... happy?" he ventured.

"I'm just thinking of all the make-up sex we're going to have," she said with a wicked light in her eyes. She hooked a finger under the neckline of his t-shirt. (Ever prim and proper, he had insisted on getting fully dressed before eating, while Penny was still wearing nothing but his robe.) She tried to pull his head down to hers, but he resisted.

"This is a serious matter," he objected, although she knew he was already starting to waver. He had put his hands on her shoulders, but now his thumbs were stroking along her collarbones. She smirked at him. "Can't I have fun _and_ be serious at the same time? Look, in a little over a month, we're gonna go to Vegas, and then come back and tell our friends we eloped. They're all gonna freak out. Your mom's probably gonna fly out here all the way from Texas to yell at me for taking advantage of her baby boy. It'll take months for my parents to believe I didn't get married because you knocked me up. I'm definitely gonna need a sense of humor to get me through it all."

His eyes widened as he looked at her. "What do I have to get me through all that chaos?"

"Me," she answered simply. This time, when she yanked on his shirt, he pulled her closer and braced one hand across her back as his other hand cradled the back of her head. In moments, he discovered how delightful it was when Penny was wearing a garment that was fastened by a single, loosely-tied knot. She whispered in his ear what she was going to do to him since they were still out of condoms. His eyes grew huge, and he was speechless for the longest he had ever been in his life.

* * *

Penny was right, Sheldon mused as he looked around at the small crowd moving in measured steps around them. Their initial announcement that they had eloped was met with no small amount of shock and disbelief. Penny's parents had laid such a guilt trip on her for eloping that she had spent hours crying as he held her against his chest. That his normally resilient bride had such a deep vulnerability when it came to her parents was a secret he would carry to his grave. His mother, predictably, had called Penny a gold-digging hussy - while she was talking on speaker phone to the two of them. Before he could get far in an impassioned defense of his wife, Penny had told his mother in a deceptively sweet voice that she got to decide when Mary might expect future grandchildren, and how often they might visit their grandmother. Sheldon had quailed at that, expecting his mother to be furious. Instead, Mary had chuckled and said that her son needed a woman with enough spunk to handle him. He resented the implication but had managed to choke back his objections.

He and Penny had eventually agreed to have another wedding for the benefit of their friends and families. He caught his mother's eye now as Raj escorted her around the dance floor, and she beamed at him. Howard and Bernadette were a diminutive couple, dwarfed by Missy and her even taller boyfriend. As Leonard guided Priya past them in a tolerable approximation of a waltz, he grinned and quickly clapped Sheldon on the shoulder. Sheldon nodded gravely at his best man, and then looked down at the woman in his arms. She was leaning her head on his shoulder.

"You aren't tired, are you?" he asked softly.

She tilted her face up toward him. "No. I'm just soaking this all in. I want to remember every detail perfectly - just like you do."

He raised an eyebrow. "Every detail? Even the fuss my mother made over your dress?"

She laughed and glanced downward, where a daringly low decolletage showed off the red heart. "Yup. Even that. Now no one's ever gonna forget seeing me walk down the aisle when it was the first time they saw my new tattoo," she said with a grin.

"Missy thought it was romantic," he said with a deprecatory smile.

An unexpected squeal of the sound system had everyone glancing around.

"Uh… may I have your attention please?" Leonard said as he clambered up onto the stage at the front of the dance floor.

Penny frowned. "What's he doing? He already gave the best man's toast."

"Weddings are such a happy occasion," Leonard said. "And I wanted to share that today has just gotten even better because this beautiful woman..." He gestured toward Priya, who beamed at him.

"Oh, hell no," Penny growled. Sheldon glanced down at her in confusion.

"...has just agreed to marry me, so they'll be another wedding very soon." He glanced at Priya. "I mean soon. Sometime in the future... I hope." He trailed off, and after a beat, someone (probably Howard) started clapping. The rest of their friends joined in with polite applause. Penny saw that her parents looked poleaxed, while Mary Cooper seemed ready to haul Leonard off the stage and put the fear of God into him. She realized that Sheldon had gone stock still, every muscle in his body rigid. She blew out her breath in a huff, gave his arm a quick squeeze, and was moving before she had time to consider her actions. Mounting the low stage, she approached Leonard with a smile.

"Give me that and go sit down," she hissed so only he could hear as she swiped the mic from his hand. Everyone was watching her expectantly, although a number of both her and Sheldon's family members were glowering at Leonard. She groaned inwardly. Leave it to Leonard to try to outdo Sheldon on her - _their_ \- wedding day. She knew that whatever she said would either calm frayed tempers or pour gasoline on the fire. While it was true she was from Nebraska and Sheldon was from Texas, she had no intention of letting her reception turn into some redneck cliche.

In fact, the whole situation was so ridiculous that her smile wasn't completely forced as she faced the small gathering of people. "Most of you already know that Leonard and I used to date like a thousand years ago," she began. "So I can tell you from experience that this is actually typical. I mean, he tends to get over-excited, so we'll just have to forgive him if he's a little premature," she said with a broad wink. There were scattered chuckles as some people caught her intentional double entendre, and Leonard's face reddened. "Seriously, Leonard and Priya, I'm very happy for you both, but I have to say…" She paused for dramatic effect. "Today, Leonard, you were called the best man, but I know the truth. The best man here - the best man anywhere - is the one I married… twice," she added with a grin. "So let's all enjoy the rest of my wedding day together."

Leaving the mic in its stand, she started for the stairs, only to find Sheldon waiting for her. He reached for her and she leaned over, placed her hands on her shoulders, and let him swing her off the stage.

"You're amazing," he said when she was once again in his arms. "I saw the look on my mother's face. Things were about to get extremely unpleasant, but then... you made everything all right."

She smiled at him. "I may have had two weddings, but they were both to the same man - that's how much I love you. And I'm going to be with you, making things all right, for the rest of our lives, so you'd better get used to it."

His fingertips brushed the top edge of her tattoo as he leaned down to kiss her. "Always?" he whispered in her ear.

"Always," she promised.


End file.
